Disclaimer: I’m probably going to lose about half of my friends due to these videos because most of them are religious. So, yeah. Not really looking forward to the possibility of that happening.
Hey, guys! Before taking a break from this space here I forgot to mention that while I won’t be doing much writing until next year ( most likely ) when I have the time I’ll still be making videos about Autism. I probably won’t post them here at the same time that I make them, but you can find them all at my YouTube channel Autistic Hope. I’ll also be posting links to new developments/videos on my Instagram which is private & seriously, don’t feel obligated to follow me. I appreciate what I get already from all of you, but I resent the idea that people would do anything for any reason other than they genuinely want to. Followers & support is important and of course it helps me build an audience, but I prefer an audience who/m are genuinely interested in the content that I create. If you want another way to access all of my…er, stuff, just leave me a comment here or over at my YouTube channel & I’ll send it through to you. I’m currently going through all of my videos & adding subtitles to all the videos that I want to keep which is something that I will include in every video from now on, and I’ll also be deleting some videos.
So to clarify, from now on I won’t be posting as much of my videos here, I want to get back to just writing here. Videos will all be over on my YouTube channel. So here’s the first part of the latest one.
P.S. But if you prefer transcripts over subtitles, I’ll still be writing up transcripts to all of my videos & posting them here. Cheers! :)
Transcript for Part 1:
Hi, guys. Um, so, I just had a few thoughts going around in my head, uh, about something that occurred for me or happened on Friday night. Uh, and yeah I just wanted to kind of rant/talk about it because I’d be interested in actually hearing other thoughts or opinions about this if anyone…yeah, if anyone has thoughts about it. So, basically, um I recently met this, um, this girl, uh, at, uh, uni. At the…uh, at an End of Semester party, and very nice girl. Yeah, really nice girl. Uh, we get along relatively well. Um, so she’s been inviting me out, uh, a few times lately which I don’t mind, kind of. But, basically she is a Christian and she has been inviting me to all these church activities and to her church, and I was actually raised, um, in religion myself. I have a religious background, I’m just not…I’m no longer, uh, religious, or I no longer consider myself, um, as strict in the Faith that I was brought up in. Um, but yeah…so we’ve been getting to know each other and, yeah, she’s…I think last week and this weekend, last weekend and this weekend she’s just invited me to her church, and I’m going to say, quite frankly, I haven’t-I have not liked the experience of going to this girl’s church, um, and her inviting me out, uh, two weekends in a row now, and I’m going to say it’s got nothing to do with her religion so much as just the fact that, um, I’m not used to people inviting me out anywhere with them and, um, her church is, uh, called-or her faith, I don’t really know if it’s-if it’s her faith so much as just the church but it’s called LifeChurch and it’s very different to, um, what I know. What I’ve known about religion my entire life, um, in her church the set up is completely different. Um, when you go into the actual Hall, uh, where the sermon or the congregation is gathered, um, the lights are like, off, and you just have these strobe lights or flashing lights kind of like at a concert, kind of like what you would see at a concert so it’s just these flashing, very bright lights that fills, um, the entire space of the room rather than having the…the one-the one main light on if that makes sense. So, um, and than there’s the stage, and they actually have a band, so they have a band, um, they sing all these Gospel songs and…it’s very, ver-the band and the music is very, very loud. Very loud, um, cause they have kind of like the amps set up and the speakers, um, which are at the back and the front of the room, um, and just the whole room is packed with people but while-when the band is performing or when they’re all singing songs, uh, everyone’s standing up and you know, jumping and waving their hands around, and screaming and cheering, and whistling and so it’s very, very different to the Mormon church that I was raised with because, um, the Mormon church is never that upbeat. It’s a very organized, very structured, um, church, you know there’s no band, um, no one’s up on their feet screaming and dancing and whatever else, um, yeah, so, it’s much-and it’s much more quiet. Um, yeah so her church is just completely different. Very, very-uh, very upbeat, ( sorry I used the word “upbeat” too much ) um. And I don’t like it. I didn’t-I didn’t like it, and I don’t like it because, um, I hated being in that room with all those people, and with that band, and with those flashing lights. I couldn’t stand it. It just-it got to me very, very fast, and I started to get really dizzy and very overwhelmed, and I started to feel very shaky, kind of like I couldn’t breathe, and, yeah. Um…and she ne-she never told me that her church was like that. I mean I didn’t ask, but I did kind of, um, ask her what her church is about and other questions. She never really told me that it was set up in such a stimulating way so I was not prepared for what I got when we arrived; and, um, yeah I just…I don’t like it.
Transcript for Part 2:
Um, but anyway that’s not actually-that’s not actually what I wanted to talk about, I mean it-it kind of gives context to what I’m about to talk about now. So, um, anyway she invited me out to this church thing, church event uh, last night or Friday-no, not last night actually cause it’s Sunday now, it’s past midnight. Um, so she invited me to this church event on Friday night and…but she invited me, um, like a week ahead or a few days before the Friday night and…so, on that day that she actually invited me I said “yes”, and then when Friday came around, um…I’m-I’m going to be honest I really didn’t want to go, uh, because the day that I had on the Friday, um, it was very busy and by the end of the day, um, I was just too tired to go out that night. You know like, I’d just-I’d had enough like, I felt like…I had-I had been out the whole day and processed so much information during the day, you know I just felt like I couldn’t go out and take in, uh, anything else because my energy was just completely depleted. Um, so I didn’t want to go out that Friday night but, um, I don’t like-I don’t like cancelling people on the day of whatever we have planned, and um, yeah I just…because I feel pretty horrible when I do that. Um, yeah, and, so I didn’t-I didn’t cancel so I went to this church activity or church event. And, um, it was very stimulating again, um, because it was pretty much the same as the church, um, the first time I went to her church. Um, and I don’t think-I don’t think it-I didn’t think it was possible but it just seemed-the band just seemed even more noisy or loud than the first time, and like, I’ll be honest. I was in a bad mood on Friday. Like I was already just, um, I just wasn’t in the mood to be out but I really didn’t want to cancel on her. You know cause…I’m the kind of person when I’m getting to know someone or even with my friends or my family, well not my family but my-my family are more understanding, but with my friends and people that I’m getting to know I will literally, like, I will do anything with them or, um, I’m kind of guilty of just trying to please them in any way that I can even if it means that I’m going to be-that I’m going-that I’m going to pay for it later. Even if it means that I’m going to be exhausted or I’m going to be miserable, or unhappy or upset I’ll just…I’ll still do things for people or I’ll still try to make them happy, um, because I just don’t want to disappoint them. But then I’ll end up kind of being like really miserable, or just-I’ll just end up being upset but trying to hide it. Um, so, I went to-yeah, I went on Friday night and the whole thing, um, seemed like there was more people that Friday night too and, um, it was just crowded and, um, I didn’t like it. And, um, I got…um, first I started to get really upset and then, um, when everything kind of hit me all at once, like the smells of not only all the people and all the food, well, the food-there wasn’t much food there but just-I could just smell what there was to smell. I could smell what there was to smell and I could hear everything that there was to hear, and it just felt like I was seeing everything, um…um, just amplified. Like the lights were fricking the same as the first time or what I described, and they just seemed to be brighter than the last time, and everything was just happening so fast, and I just, it was very difficult to me-it was difficult for me to process everything and to filter out, uh…it was difficult for me to take in all the information that I needed, and filter out all the information that I didn’t need. And so by the end of the night, um, I was just very, very…I was very on edge, and I was very, um, shaken. I was just…I was just upset and…only this time I couldn’t hide it. And-so when Mikayla came to me at the end of the night I actually had a meltdown, um, like I started crying and just I, um, I was just in the state that I never like people to see me in, and because we are-we’re only still getting to know each other, I think she was…she didn’t really know what to say or what to do. Um, because not many people know me well enough to ever even get to a point with me where they can actually see me go into a meltdown cause they never get to know me that well. Um, so yeah.
Transcript for Part 3
So yeah, um, getting to the point of all this because in fact I have not actually, um…I’m not act-I haven’t-I have not actually talked about what I wanted to talk about from the very start but I’m getting there, I just had to talk about all this other stuff because it kind of explains what I’m about to talk about. ( Just realized I said “about” too many times. Sorry, my head was kind of all over the place here ). Uh, if that makes sense. It probably doesn’t. Anyway, um…so yeah after I got home that night, um, I was fine. I was fine. You know usually when I get home, and I can be by myself and, um, you know I’m-I’m back in my own space I’m fine. Um, so yeah. I got home that night and, um, Mikayla messaged-I shouldn’t-I shouldn’t say her name actually. Um, I mean there are so many girls called “Mikayla” so it’s not like anyone is likely to know who I’m actually talking about but still, I’m-I’m going to…yeah, I’ve already said her name but I’m going to try not to. But anyway, um, when I got home that night this girl message me, um, she asked me if I was alright you know just checking up on me. It’s very-very sweet of her, very nice. Um, and then she asked me if “that usually happens”, that being a meltdown, and she asked me “how do I usually deal with it” and if there was anything that she could have done to help me. Um, and so I explained-I explained to her kind of what causes me to, um, have a meltdown, and what causes me to respond or react, um, in a certain way to, or in certain situations. Um, I-I explained to her-yeah, just explained to her what a meltdown is, how it happens, how I deal with it and what she could have done. Um, and yeah, when I told her about…um, when I-when I explained to her sensory overload, um, when I explained to her certain aspects of my Autism and Anxiety and why, um, certain-why I just, um…how do I explain it. When I explained to her everything about my autism and anxiety she had a response or she…what she said back to me was something that really annoyed me, actually, um…pissed me off. I just-because her response was so simple and so…just made something, uh, very real and very, um, something that really impacts on my life and makes me the person that I am, um, you know gives me my identity or is my identity. Um, you know she explained or she put something so, um…I don’t know just major or important down-and she just diluted it down to something that really had nothing to do with what I told her, and really doesn’t make a difference. Pretty much what she said is, um, that she will “pray for me” and that she knows, um…that she knows “God will heal me”, and “God will fix-God will fix me” and um, because “God can creates miracles” and that she’s excited for me because she thinks that this “journey” that I’m embarking on with God is going to somehow make me better, or “heal me” as she said. I don’t know why I’m crying. I don’t know why I’m crying, actually. Um…and I read that, I read those words and I was like “What? What are you even talking about”. Like how…how do you take something very personal, something that I’ve actually confided in you about you know, like I open up and I tell you everything that I just told you and then…you have to tell me that you’re going to pray for me, and that you think God will heal me like I even want to be healed in the first place. You know I just…I hate-this is why I kind of hate religion because-I don’t hate religion, I just…I hate the way that it can make people think, I hate the things that it makes people say because that’s actually the most insensitive, um, response that anyone has ever given me after I’ve told me about my anxiety and my autism because she’s basically implying that I should be healed or I should be cured; and you know a cure indicates that something is broken or something is wrong with someone, and you know I don’t like people telling me that I need to be cured or healed. And you know really, if it was even that simple I wouldn’t be autistic in the first place. I just, you know like I don’t want her to pray for me, I don’t need her prayers. I don’t need anyone’s prayers. You know it’s just fricking God, man, it just pisses me, it just pisses me off when people take their Faith and just shove it onto other people like that, or…you know that’s not something that I want to hear. And I don’t hate her for saying that you know I- because despite the fact that it pissed me off, and actually kind of upset me, I know that she didn’t mean it that way and I know that she has good intentions but it doesn’t matter. You know…like she just completely missed the point of everything that I told her, and frankly I don’t want to be a part of her journey. I don’t want to go on a journey with God, you know I’ve been on a journey with God my entire life and I don’t want to do that anymore, so…yeah. When I meet people and I get to a point where I actually trust them enough to tell them about my autism, you know because I don’t really…I don’t know, I just I don’t open up to people much, or often. It’s very rare that I actually kind of get close to someone, or let them get close to me. I don’t really know why but I just, I don’t connect with people and I don’t get close to people, and they never get close to me. You know I’m always…that just-that doesn’t happen for me so when I tell people something about myself, um, the last thing I want to hear in this situation at least is “I’ll pray for you” or “God will heal you”, it’s just-that’s-yeah. Because I guarantee that’s not going to make a difference. Yeah. I don’t really know…it’s not that I don’t want to see her again, it’s just that I don’t really know how I feel about hanging out with her because now every time I’m with her, I’m just going to wonder if she thinks that I should be healed, or I’m just going to wonder if she sees autism as something, um, to be…as something that should-that should be treated or cur-or cured or taken from someone. You know I’m always going to wonder now if she looks at me in a certain way. I don’t know, I just…now I just don’t know if I’m going to be-if I’m going to feel comfortable around her. I don’t really know why, I don’t know why what she said has made me feel different or think differently about her but it has. I don’t know maybe I’m just being too sensitive. I don’t know, I don’t know. But I don’t want to go back to her church. I don’t know-I don’t know if I’m overreacting, I don’t-I don’t know. But yeah. Um, yeah.