Disclaimer : this written pieces covers sensitive topics such as sexual assault and the themes of non – consensual sexual advances, and I strive to always be honest and vulnerable with my writing even when that is hard for me. This piece is quite detailed and in -depth in writing about my own experience of sexual assault, so if you think that it can potentially be distressing or upsetting ( to you ) than I would advise against reading it.

P.S. for some reason WordPress wouldn’t let me use 1.5 spacing so if that bothers you and you would like a better reading experience, this written piece is also up on my Facebook page, Autistic Insights.

 

These are excerpts taken from my original journals. I’ve been personally victimised by sexual assault more times than I want to admit, however in this published note I’m only going to be writing about two incidents, as they occurred when I was really young and as a result had an impact on the relationships that I forged in the following years ( although I did not realise that at the time ).

It’s not perfect editing-wise, but this was supposed to be posted hours ago so I’m going to put this one up now and edit it tomorrow because it’s 11:26pm AEST and even just writing this was really draining.

 

2014 ( exact date unknown ) – I wrote about this incident after it occurred and could not recall the exact date at the time.

 

I spent time with Asher on Saturday. Like we planned I went over to his house the Saturday gone and I slept the night. At first the interaction between the two of us was slow because it was the first time we had hung out since high school which was like…I don’t know, maybe five years ago. We were not close then, we were friends but not good friends, neither of us ever made an effort to talk to the other every school day. After graduation I lost contact with Asher but to be honest I barely noticed because how can I notice the absence of someone that I didn’t know? That is why when I logged into Facebook a couple of weeks ago it came as a surprise to me to see that Asher had added me and messaged me. We started talking online and that’s when he started telling me all this stuff that I didn’t know what to do with. He told me that he had feelings for me in high school, that he felt some kind of chemicals “kick into his system” when he was around me. Or chemistry? That’s it. He said that he felt chemistry between us, but the thing is…maybe he felt it, but I didn’t. He also told me that in high school he thought of me as beautiful, lovely and sweet and he still sees me that way now. I didn’t know what to say because I’m not used to guys saying things like that to me ( or anyone, really ). I guess I felt awkward because what was I supposed to say other than “thank you” which sounds lame. Ugh. I just ended up blushing and stammering and I hate when I blush because my skin is this sickly kind of pale colour and so it stands out.

We watched Avatar in his room with the door closed and the curtains drawn like he wanted to cut us off from his housemates. That’s when I started to feel uneasy. We sat on his bed next to each other, but a good distance apart at the same time. He kept stopping the movie to ask me if I was comfortable or “do you need more blankets?” or “do you need more pillows?” and for some reason the more effort he put into ensuring my comfort the more I felt uncomfortable. Before we turned in for the night we talked, really talked, but not necessarily about anything that I was interested in. He told me about all the sexual partners he has had, the first time he had sex and how it made him feel and how it happened. His family, the fact that he has clinical depression. I started to warm to him until he had to go and make things awkward and weird by telling me that he thinks I am a genuine, kind – hearted and sweet girl, that I intrigued him in high school and he wanted to get closer to me but he didn’t know how so now 5 years later he feels like he has a second chance with me. He told me that he’s sexually and physically attracted to me, that I… ( God, this is embarrassing to share publicly ) *ahem* arouse him. I swear my stomach dropped when he said that. I could feel my hands break out into a sweat and my head started pounding like it does right before I have a panic attack and all I could think was “oh, no, please, please don’t let me freak out right here in front of him. I’ll never live it down” – luckily I didn’t. I managed to compose myself although I don’t know how. But I don’t feel the same way about Asher. I’m not attracted to him in any way. I was never attracted to him in high school and I’m still not attracted to him now. So what was I supposed to say? Nothing. I said nothing. All I did was sort of laugh but in that way that I do when I’m nervous because I’m kind of pathetic like that. I tried to change the subject and that worked for a while until he found a way to bring the conversation back to how he feels about me by asking if he could kiss me! In that moment I wanted to leave, but I didn’t. I felt frozen. Stuck. It was like my brain stopped working, like it shut down on me. But I didn’t want to kiss him so I said no. I’ve only kissed someone once, so far, and we were both drunk so it didn’t mean anything. In fact it doesn’t count as a kiss, not to me. If I had let Asher kiss me it would’ve felt like a first kiss and I did not want that with him. And I wasn’t ready anyway. He just wanted to kiss me randomly, who even does that? We started talking about sex again – or rather he did all the talking and I sat there trying to not roll my eyes. It was hard for me to focus on what he was saying because I felt like all he wanted to do was talk about sex, about all the girls he’s been with, all the girls he’s seen naked, how many girls he’s had sex with as if I should be impressed? He just kept talking about sex! That’s.all.he.wanted.to.talk.about! I got sick of it because I wasn’t sure if he was boasting or trying to make a point – or both. It was annoying because I didn’t want to hear about his sex life, I mean what kind of guy brags about something like that, something that should be personal and only between the two people involved? What a douchebag.

After what felt like too long we finally called it a night. We didn’t sleep together but I slept in his bed with him which felt awkward because he kept…grabbing me. He said that he was trying to cuddle me, but I hate people touching me when I’m trying to sleep or when I just don’t like them or I don’t know them well enough. I moved out of his arms a few times, but when I did that he would shift closer, wrap both arms around my waist and squeeze so tight that it hurt. I felt overwhelmed by his body heat and his breath on the back of my neck and the feeling of his shirt rubbing up against my back and I just couldn’t fucking breathe. I don’t like to be touched by someone who is not family or a close friend of mine, someone I trust and feel comfortable with, and even with them I still maintain a distance sometimes. Asher’s attempts to get closer to me, especially when I was trying to sleep, made me feel anxious and agitated and I knew that if he didn’t stop touching me I was going to freak out, I was actually going to have a meltdown if he didn’t back off. Eventually I wriggled out of his arms once he loosened his grip, mumbled “umm…I’m just, I’m, um, I’m really hot, I know it’s your bed but I need a bit of space” and I suggested that I should take the couch out in his living room. He placed a pillow down in the middle of the bed between us, promised that he would stay on his side of the pillow, telling me – “sorry, it’s just you’re that close and I coudn’t help myself, but I won’t touch you or anything. Just stay” and even though it went against my better judgement, I did. I slept close to the wall because at home I always sleep facing the wall and never on the outside of the bed. I turned over so that my back was facing Asher, hoping to send the message “I’m tired and I want to sleep and I don’t want you to touch me”. For a moment there was this weird silence and then he turned over too.

I fell asleep really fast after that, but I fidget and I move around in my sleep all the time. I must’ve started doing that at one point during the night, still asleep but not deeply. It felt like I was on the edge of consciousness. So I’m moving around, kicking the blankets off me, and I stopped for a moment because I coudn’t figure out why it was so hot all of a sudden. I started moving again and Asher must’ve been awake because he reached out and started…rubbing my back. I’m not even sure it was rubbing so much as caressing. All I remember is I could feel his fingers right through the thin fabric of my night dress; gentle, light strokes, and instead of feeling uncomfortable it made me feel – and I feel bad even writing this – really good. Like I felt this kind of heat everywhere in my body and it became more intense the longer he touched me. I couldn’t understand it. I didn’t know why my body was reacting that way, and I just…I felt so confused and conflicted. I’m 100% certain that I am not physically or sexually attracted to Asher so why did it feel so good when he was touching me? I remember lying in that bed and hating myself for liking it. At one point I actually didn’t want him to stop, but there was no way I was going to tell him that. But when he did stop the feeling of heat went away and I moved back to my side of the bed because it was only then that I realised I had moved closer to him which freaked me out. I must’ve been so delirious or so overwhelmed by whatever I was feeling that I hadn’t been aware of moving closer to him. I’m still freaked out when I think about that now because that’s not me, I don’t act on impulse or I don’t act on my feelings ( which isn’t always a good thing, but that’s beside the point ).

I went back to sleep after that. Then there was the next morning. We started talking again, about sex – again. I don’t really know how it happened but he asked me if he could “show me what sex feels like”. That’s when it hit me. I don’t know why I only realised it that morning since there were so many warning signs the night before, but hey, that’s what I get for being so naive and, well…innocent. I felt like the biggest idiot because the whole time I thought that Asher was my friend, I believed him when he said that I’m beautiful and kind – hearted and lovely and sweet but he was just saying that to get in my pants. He didn’t mean any of it. I know that he only wanted sex because as soon as I made it clear that that was not going to happen, it was like he kind of shut down. He changed towards me. I could feel it. He was not warm or welcoming anymore. He went really quiet, like he didn’t want to speak to me anymore. I know that all he wanted was sex because before I left he said that he will call me (not that I wanted him to, ew ). It’s been months and he still has not called me. Has not contacted me at all ( thank God ). He lended me a couple of his favourite books though and because I’m not the kind of person who will ever keep borrowed books I’m going to have to see him again when I return them and I am just…I’m absolutely dreading it. I’m actually terrified to see him again, and what does that make me? Probably a wimp.

But after I return his books, I’m never going to see him or hear from him again and I really don’t care. He is a jerk and a liar, and I know that I can’t trust him. I will never let him get close to me ever again.

 

15/3/2014

Sometimes I feel like a part of me is disintegrating inside. A part of me or all of me is rotting away into nothing. Sometimes I can fool myself into believing that I don’t know why I feel this way but then all I have to do is look around me and I remember. It comes back to me; that I often feel completely cut off from the world, from everyone around me, I feel like I can’t connect with others or even reach out to them despite the fact that I want to. I always want to but when I try I feel like I’m trying too hard or I’m not doing it right. Some people have a skill, a natural talent to talk with other people, to engage with them, to connect with others. I’m not one of those people and I’ve always felt isolated because of that. I’m a really, really sensitive person. I can’t watch certain films or tv shows because they distress me so much that I cry or I become physically agitated by specific scenes in a movie, like a horror movie with blood and the characters subjected to sadistic cruelty ( I watched Hostel once because my sister wanted me to watch it with her  and I couldn’t eat for days afterwards ) or anything showing extreme animal cruelty which often makes me vomit and cry for days because I can’t stop picturing those tortured animals in my head and hearing their pained screams over and over again, sometimes it gets so bad that I won’t eat – I can’t eat, for days. It’s the same with my emotions and my sense of intuition. I get a sense about people, or I get a sense of a person as soon as I meet them, sometimes before they even open their mouths – and sometimes I am wrong. But more often than not I turn out to be right on the mark. The approach I take when meeting new people can go one of two ways: whatever feeling or “vibe” I get from a person dictates that either I want to know more about that person, or I’ll go out of my way to stay away from that person. It is really that simple. Usually this approach does not fail me. Being autistic helps too, in a way. My sensory awareness is sharp, constantly attuned to potential threats whether imaginary or real. I’m cognizant of everyone and everything around me, even when I look like I’m in my own world. I’m not. I just wish that I was.

 

I always feel so much. When someone touches me I feel either really, really bad like something has shattered inside of me or I feel really good, like their touch is right somehow. Or, and this is the worst – I feel nothing. When I was seventeen – years – old I was sexually molested in a public bookstore of all fucking places. I remember everything even though I’ve tried to forget it everyday since. The bookstore was Borders, ( when it was still open ). I was sitting in one of the armchairs perusing a stack of books. There were a few people loitering around me going through the bookshelves, and I could feel them there but it didn’t faze me. People either make me feel really good or really, really horrible, like they’ve got something evil festering inside of them, and that is exactly what I sensed from the guy who molested me before he even touched me. I became aware of him because whereas everyone else around me were just loitering, he was lurking. He was standing right in front of me with a book in his hand but he was not reading it. He was staring at me, just…staring. I wanted to get up off the chair and leave but for some stupid reason I didn’t. I just sat there and endured his gaze which the longer it lasted the more I wanted to claw my skin off. Then he came and knelt down on one side of me and in that exact moment I felt something die inside of me because I knew what he was going to do next. I don’t remember much of what he said but I do recall that he called me “beautiful” because that, him calling me “beautiful” made me feel ugly.

All I remember is his hand touching me everywhere. Fondling my breasts. Pulling on the neck of my shirt to look down the front of it. I had one hand over the zipper of my jeans because I just knew that whatever he was using his other hand for, the one that I couldn’t see as it was shoved down his own pants, he would try to do the same thing to me. I guess there was a small part of me that wasn’t frozen with shock because in between fondling me, looking down my shirt and whispering in my ear, his breath smelling like cigarette smoke and something else that I couldn’t identify but whatever it was, it was so pungent and overpowering that I felt like I was going to choke on it, he had moved his hand up to my zipper and tried pushing my hand away, but I kept deflecting him. Even that small attempt to protect myself felt half – hearted, like I didn’t really care as long as he got what he wanted fast so it could all be over. I thought that was the worst of it. I just sat there paralysed with fear. I remember that the most, the fear. I was so scared to the point where it immobilised me completely. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t do anything except wait for him to stop. God. Fucking hell. Then he started panting. His hand, the one down his pants, started…jerking. Moving faster. His face turned red. At the time I didn’t know what he was doing. I just knew that I felt dirty and disgusting and ashamed, like I had done something to deserve what he was doing to me. Then it was over and he got up and left. I waited for a while, still trying to process what had just happened but my mind had gone eerily quiet. I knew that my hands were shaking and I was biting my lip so hard to repress that impulse to scream that I could feel building up inside of me, and I was distantly aware of the slight taste of blood on my teeth but it was like I had dissociated completely.

 

Eventually I got up and left. I stood up slowly, left the bookstore, went to the public toilets, barricaded myself into one of the cubicles and cried. I cried so hard and for so long that I thought I would never stop. The whole time I was crying, both hands over my mouth to stifle the noise, all I kept thinking was “stop crying, stop crying, stop crying! Why didn’t I do more to stop him? Stop crying, it wasn’t even that bad. It’s not like he full – on raped me. I was lucky to get off light”. But I couldn’t stop. Before then I had never cried so much that it actually hurt. I didn’t know that crying could hurt.

That’s why I wonder if some part of me is broken because since then I have been with guys intimately but when they get too close I feel myself pulling away, pushing him away. I have not been in a relationship because…I can’t. I ask myself if my innocence, if I can still call it that, has rotted away even though I have not slept with anyone as of yet. I can still be intimate with a guy ( or a girl ) and trust him or her, but I panic when they get too close. I’m scared to be in a relationship. It terrifies me. What if he or she finds out that I’ve been sexually screwed over and they think that I’m disgusting and pathetic for not doing more to stop him. I don’t want to go into a relationship feeling like “damaged goods” and that I have nothing to offer. I can’t do that to myself, or to him ( or her ).

I admit guys – men – make me nervous. The first time I kissed a guy was at a Halloween party when I was nineteen. At the time it seemed like we were “having a bit of fun” but somehow kissing turned into making out. I felt his hand slip between my legs, and I became aware of his other hand pressing on the small of my back to push me closer to him and that was not too bad. We continued like that for a while, then I felt his hands grab my waist – really roughly too, I remember the force of it surprised me – and lift me up onto the washing machine ( we were in the laundry room for some reason ). His palms moved from my back and I felt his hands move onto my hips, acutely aware of every movement,  and then something hard pinching my skin and I realised that he was digging his blunt fingernails into the skin of my hips. That’s when I panicked. My head started pounding, my hands started trembling, his mouth on mine felt like it was crushing me, in my head I was thinking “he started out so gentle and now he’s being forceful and hard and it hurts-” I pushed him away and ran out of there. I went to sleep later that night in my friend’s bed as it was a sleepover party. When I was just about to fall asleep he came into the room ( his name was Sean ) and climbed into the bed beside me, saying “it’s ok” and “no one has to know”, pulling my body flush against his. I moved to the far side of the wall away from him and when I did that he moved up onto his knees, crawled over to me; when I close my eyes I can picture the way that he seized my wrist in a tight grip and dragged me back over to him and in that moment I felt like I was going to cry and vomit at the same time. He pushed his face into the crook of my neck and I was hit with the smell of alcohol on his breath, stronger than it had been when we were in the laundry room, it made my stomach turn and I felt like if he didn’t get off me I was going to choke on the smell alone. I remember that I just started crying and telling him “let go, that hurts – you’re hurting me”. Even at that point I knew that he wasn’t going to rape me, or I hoped that he wouldn’t be stupid enough to try with my friends all sleeping in other rooms nearby, but I could feel that he was going to do something and I was scared of what that could be. He was so drunk that eventually his movements started to slacken and the minute I felt his hands loosen on me I pushed him off the bed. He then got up stumbling over his feet and somehow managed to walk out. I didn’t know where he went and I didn’t care. I lay there, trying to control my breathing, trying to stop crying but I felt gutted. I felt used. I felt like I was back in that bookstore two years ago, only this time it was like…there was some kind of guilt there too. Because I had let Sean kiss me earlier, he must’ve thought that I wanted it? Had I led him on? I’ve always believed that as soon as someone says “no”, no matter what has happened between the two persons beforehand, none of it matters. When someone says “no” that means stop. No more. You just stop. But I felt bad for Sean and I hated him for that, for confusing me so much that I started to question if I owed him sex after all.

I’ve had a few experiences with other guys after him, but they’ve all ended with the guy being a prick ( like Asher ) and me feeling vulnerable and hating myself for trusting him. Now I’m 21 – years – old and every time I meet a guy instead of staying in that present moment with him, my mind travels back to Borders, sitting in that chair with that sick fuck kneeling next to me, and I picture the hand that he had down his pants and I realise now that he was masturbating himself. He was getting off on what he was doing to me; and it makes me sick, even now 4 years later. It’s disgusting and it makes me feel disgusting. How can I be with anyone when I feel like that?

Aside  —  Posted: December 27, 2019 in Aspergers


As promised to update my blog with my work from my Facebook page, here is the latest post:

Aside  —  Posted: July 22, 2018 in Aspergers


Originally published on Autistic Insights.

Aside  —  Posted: April 5, 2018 in Aspergers


originally published on Autistic Insights.

Aside  —  Posted: April 5, 2018 in Aspergers


Here is my newest written work about Autism in the workplace for Autism Acceptance Month.

Aside  —  Posted: April 5, 2018 in Aspergers


Ohhh…my…gawd!!! Hi, guys! Wow, I just checked in and my last blog here was fricking August of last year, holy crap I’m useless. I can’t believe I have not blogged here since last year, that is just pathetic.

Well, to start off this year I’m going to give it to you bluntly: I’m not making any promises about how often I can post something here on my WordPress because let’s face it, I don’t have a great track record of coming through with those promises. ( I’m sorry ) All I can say is that I will try to publish something as much as I can in between working, studying, working on my Facebook page, socializing because believe it or not my life has become far richer in a social aspect, and attending to my pets. I will tell you now, however, I tend to publish more of my work on my Facebook page and therefore if I’m not here, I’m over there.  I have done a lot more writing since I last published something here, over on my Facebook page, and I will be sharing some of it on WordPress. .

Thanks for sticking with me, again I cannot say when *exactly* I will have something published here, but it will be this month.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AutisticInsights/

Aside  —  Posted: April 5, 2018 in Aspergers


I hate when people say this. Autism is not a disease, it’s a neurological condition. Also, mate, hate to break it to you but no, every disease can be cured with love; sorry but it is not that easy or simple. I did explain that I am not diseased and that I don’t want a cure, but to be honest I’m relieved this exchange happened online. I don’t think I would’ve been so calm in person.

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Aside  —  Posted: August 23, 2017 in Aspergers


Hey, everyone! I’m going to start writing here on WordPress probably early next month, I’ve been working on new stuff that still needs a bit of editing, but I’m aiming to have it all posted here next month. In the meantime, you can find more of my work over at my Facebook page : https://www.facebook.com/AutisticInsights/   To any new readers, you can also find a more detailed description of my blog over here: https://anautismobserver.wordpress.com/  ( under 2015-2017 )where you can get a general overview of the subjects or topics that I usually write about, how long I’ve been writing, explains more about my experience with autism and my history with other mental illness, etc. Thanks for joining me here.

Elisha.

Aside  —  Posted: August 18, 2017 in Aspergers


 

Autistic Insights.

Image caption/text:

“”So many people insist on person-first language, but consider that for a minute. What’s wrong with saying “autistic person” rather than “person with autism”? Nothing. In my experience, most people who prefer person-first over identity-first language really have no right to dictate what language autistic people should or should not use to describe themselves. People have said to me “You’re a person first, not your autism”, or I hear it in my Psychology lectures all the time. But the fact is, I am autistic. That is an essential part of my identity. And if or when people challenge that, I feel like they’re telling me that being autistic is wrong or something to be ashamed of. I resent that. I choose to not listen to them. I’m done with hiding who I am. I am finally in a place where I can say that I’m proud to be autistic, and I want other autistic people to feel the same way”.

Aside  —  Posted: May 11, 2017 in Aspergers


Hey, guys, I don’t know what happened before. I think it was a glitch with my computer so I’m posting this one again. Sorry about that.

Hey, bloggers! Here’s my thoughts about the Vaccines Cause Autism” debate. Pretty simple. Straight-forward. Of course I have more thoughts on this topic, but thought I would keep it to what I talk about here for now. This video is captioned both on YouTube and over at https://www.facebook.com/AutisticInsights. I’m sorry I am not posting here as much as I used to. I’m trying to write everyday, manage and post on my Facebook page then put something up here, it’s all getting a bit difficult to keep track of but I will do my best. For now this space is more full than over at Facebook, but I am creating a lot of work over there so if it’s not here, it’s there ( if that makes sense ).  Thanks for all the support.

Transcript:

Hey, how’s it going…how are you all today? Um, so yep, I am at home in my room because…well, I’m not working today and…so, basically on the days that I’m not working and since we’re still on holiday for uni, pretty much I just stay home unless, uh, one of my mates’ invites me over to their house but we don’t really do anything at his house either. Anyway, anyway, back on track. So, I want to talk about something that my Mum says, uh…frequently. Well, not frequently but just every time we’d which was years…not, well, which was years ago but still too late. So, um, so there’s that theory that vaccinations ( or vaccines ) cause Autism which of course I think is ridiculous, and I am not for that argument at all. But my mother, surprisingly or disappoint…ly. Well, this is just disappointing. My mother believes that whole thing about how vaccinations cause autism and so…because me, my brother and sister we were all vaccinated when we were kids, and so she often says things like, um, you know it’s because I got my vaccinations that I turned out autistic, or she just…she’s just like “You know I shouldn’t-I should never have got any of you vaccinated when you were kids”, and my mother is not one of those parents who wishes that I was not autistic, she never says that. Um, I think for the most part she is proud of the person that I am, but, um…she just thinks that…um, I should not…she just thinks that maybe if I had not been vaccinated things would’ve turned out different for me. And what I always kind of think, um, with this is I honestly don’t understand why she brings it up, or why it’s an issue, or why it is even something that we even talk about regardless of whether, um, the fact that I was vaccinated actually did cause me to be autistic, even if I believed that I still don’t see the point of the entire conversation because at the end of the day I’m still autistic and there is nothing that is going to change that now. Like, it’s just the way it is now, and so I really don’t understand why there is so much talk about vaccinations and about the relationship with autism because it doesn’t make a difference in the long run, like at the end of the day the person is still autistic, so, you-you can’t go back in time and change the fact that the person may have been vaccinated, and so…like I don’t know why people talk about it because it doesn’t change anything, it doesn’t make a difference, so it just really frustrates me when my mother kind of brings up the whole vaccination debate because as I said, it’s not going to change anything, I’m still autistic, um, after the fact. So, I don’t see the point in going on and on and on about something that is not going to change the end result, so, yeah. But that’s just me, that’s me you know. Like I’m not really interested in what has caused autism, or you know…well, I am, like I’m interested in reading research about autism in all areas, I am very interested in all of that but at the same time I don’t want a cure, or I don’t want to know about you know anything that could possibly strip a person’s identity away from them so in that way I’m not really interested in, um, how to combat autism, um, I think that’s just really sad. Um, you know like just accept people as they are. Um, in some cases…wait, no, that came out wrong. Uhh, I’m going off on a tangent. Yeah, I just…I don’t like the whole vaccination thing because I just think the entire thing is pointless so just let it go already! Okay, well, yeah, that’s…but that’s me, you know that’s just my personal thoughts. I’d love to hear what you guys think about vaccinations and autism, um, yeah, let me know. Could be, um, the start of a very interesting-interesting discussion. Um, bye. Um, I-I really want to make more videos coming up soon, this-this week about a lot of different topics so, yeah, talk to you guys then. Bye.

Aside  —  Posted: January 18, 2017 in Aspergers


Hey, guys! Hope you’re all doing well, living life and all that. I thought it was about time that I come back to this space so in this video I’m kind of just talking about a pet peeve, so to speak. I’m sorry I don’t post here as much as I used to. I’m caught between working, juggling this space, my Facebook page over at https://www.facebook.com/AutisticInsights, ( btw this same video is uploaded there with captions ) and writing new material every day. It’s all kind of difficult to keep track of but I will do my best. For now my blog right here has more content than Facebook but I’m working on creating more work for Facebook so if there is nothing new here for a while, it’s all over there. Thank you for your support. Also, I’m posting this quickly now before I have to leave, but I’ll write up a transcript tonight and add it. Let me know some of your own pet peeves, if you’re willing. Cheers!

 

Aside  —  Posted: January 18, 2017 in Aspergers


Hey, bloggers! Happy New Year. I hope you all had a great Christmas and NY celebrations. Well, this is me getting back into blogging! I’m starting up again. I’m really excited about this year. I’m hopeful about writing better and more often, in fact I’m aiming to create something new to publish here at WordPress at least once a week. So what I have for this week is a video that I actually filmed last month, at the start of December ( well, around that time ). Hope it gives you something to think about. The video has subtitles which I edited myself, but if you would like a transcript let me know in a comment & I’ll be happy to write one up. It’s just 1:05 in the morning right now and I’m only posting this up quickly before I want to call it a night, but I think it’s safe to say that I’ll be able to type up the transcript sometime when the sun is up.

Alright, thanks!

Aside  —  Posted: January 4, 2017 in Aspergers


Hey, guys! So when I can or when I have ideas I’ll be back on here. Still won’t be much until around February next year maybe, but this kind of came into my head when I could not sleep at all yet again, so I made this. Um, it’s actually from a few weeks ago. Let me know if this happens to you too! ( unless you’re already seeing someone or married ). Thanks.

Part 1 Transcript :

Hi, guys. So, um, I was just thinking, uh, recently, uh by the way it’s like 1AM in the morning and yes, I should not be making a video now but I can’t help it because I cannot-I cannot sleep, I’ve been trying since like 9PM tonight and I’m just lying in bed and I just-I can’t sleep so I’m going to make a video. Anyway, so Christmas is coming up and, um, typically what that means for my family and I is that the family that we have, who are travelling over from New Zealand, uh, right now. I’m not sure if they’re here yet but they will be for Christmas, is my Uncle, my Aunty or my uncle’s fiancé, um, another of my aunties’-my mum’s sister, and a few of my cousins and yeah, so, so it will be like a family get together, um, which you know is great, that’s usually…you know usually Christmas is the time when a lot of people, um, make it a family event or spend time with their family which is great, great. Um, something that always bugs me though, really annoys me actually, like I laugh it off at the time but it does actually bother me because it is bought up every year. Um, my family get here and you know we’re just laughing, talking, then someone in my family will kind of just turn to me and be like “So, Leesh, uh yeah, Leesh, have you got a boyfriend yet?” Without fail every year and I’m just like “No”, and you know there’s so much that I could actually say more than “No”, but usually because it’s my uncle or aunty I have to show…I’m expected to be respectful and not a smartarse so I just say “No” because it’s the truth; um, because it’s very well-known in my family and also it’s just, um, my siblings, all but one of them are all younger than me, um, my sister has been dating since she was fifteen so has my brother, my brother’s been with the same girl since he was fifteen, my, uh, fifteen-year-old sister now has been with like two guys in the last-in this year alone, and my older sister is living with her boyfriend, and I’m twenty-four now and I will say this because it’s not something that I’m embarrassed of or it’s not something that I’m ashamed about, or ashamed of so that is…yeah I’m twenty-four and I can say, um, I-I never once dated in high school and I never dated after high school up until now, so, um, so….the reality is I have never actually been in a committed relationship and I’ve just never had any relationships of an intimate or romantic kind although there was one-there was one time when I was nineteen I was at a Halloween party, um, and I was drunk and some guy for some reason he was just hanging around me all night  ( I don’t think this even counts, it was more like a “hook-up” which are usually meaningless? ) and now, looking back on it now I realize he just wanted me to sleep with him but um, you know we kind of fooled around a bit, uh by that I mean we just kind of you know, made out a bit but that was the first time like for me ever, and I’ve never done anything with a guy since then. But um, so yeah, I don’t have-my family know that I have not dated like ever and, um, that has not changed now.

Part 2 Transcript:

And um, so yeah, considering everything I just said, um, like every year I always think that by some miracle my family will just let it go, or they won’t say anything but, um, they always do. Actually last-oh, man, this really annoyed me, um, last year my aunty she kind of, um, spoke to me privately and she told me “You know you should really start dating, Leesh” and she’s like “You should-you should start going out there and meeting guys and going out with…going out on dates”, um, she’s like “Yeah, you should start going out with just like a bunch of guys, just experiment”, that’s-that’s essentially what she said and, um, and she said “You know because girls your age, and in fact guys your age, just everyone your age, uh, everyone’s dating” and first of all I think that’s a huge generalization because there’s no way she could know that for sure, and second of all you know young people or people my age, there are so many things that I know people have-people my-around my age range have done that I have not done or that I have never even attempted or experienced at all and, um, like that doesn’t make me unique or anything, it just makes…it just means that I’ve made different choices to people my age and one of them happens to be dating, and yeah when my aunty said “everyone your age is dating” I’m thinking; but I don’t…like I don’t care, like I honestly…I think, um, when I actually choose to date or when I want to date it’s not going to be, um, due to any kind of peer pressure or social pressure, um, that I feel to do so. You know it’s not going to be because I see everyone else dating and I feel like I have to date just because everyone else is dating because I really don’t care what other people do, like cause I don’t see how that is relevant to me and my life, like I don’t see how that concerns me so, to me, I kind of think; well, it’s-you know it’s nice that people-other people my age are dating but I don’t see why that should immediately mean that I have to date, you know because I don’t care what other people are doing, and I don’t care what people think about the choices that I make in my personal life because it has nothing to do with them just as their lives have nothing to do with me, so…why would I choose to date because, um, I can see that so many-so many other people in my age-age range are dating. You know like good for them but I don’t really care, ( sorry, I realize I kind of just went round in circles or repeated the same thing like 3 times )  so…um, I just felt like that would’ve been-that would’ve been too complicated for my aunty to understand if I was to explain it to her that way.

Aside  —  Posted: November 28, 2016 in Aspergers


Hey, guys! Managed to write something today. Here it is. Also, I’ve just created a Facebook page if you want to check it out it’s called Autistic Insights, already I’ve put up a few things on there, including some stuff that is already here on my blog, but I’ll be posting more of my work and videos on that page weekly so there’s always going to be new content. I’ve only had it started up for a couple days but I’m slowly adding more to it.

There’s talk about acceptance and awareness, or “debate”, for want of a better word. Mainly the focus is on how these terms are not the same thing-which they’re not. But I don’t think that is what people are confused about, rather people seem confused about what exactly is the difference between acceptance and awareness. While I’m no authority on these terms, I think that apart from the dictionary definition there is no right or wrong. There is only the truth. It’s very simple. You can be aware or have a broad understanding of something, anything. Autism, social issues or social justice issues, disability rights or gay rights, but that is nothing more than having knowledge of those issues or having heard of that condition or that disability. Knowing about something is one thing, accepting it is an entirely different matter. Acceptance is a choice. It’s a personal choice. If you have heard of Autism but you notice someone who maybe has “unusual” responses to sensory stimuli (i.e. lights, sounds ) and your first thought is to write that person off as an “attention-seeker” before considering any other explanation than you are neither accepting or an ally. If, like so many people, you believe and thereby perpetuate the negative stereotype (it infuriates me people even think like this) that people with disabilities, particularly physical disabilities, do not or are not capable of having relationships of an intimate/romantic/sexual nature than again; that is not acceptance. Because it’s simply not true. Acceptance is a learning process. For so many people it does not come straight away. It’s about listening to other people and really hearing what they have to say. It’s about actually caring, educating yourself about the experiences of marginalized groups of people or people who are often perceived as “less than”.  It’s about empathy, but not necessarily sympathy. That is real and that is acceptance because it’s effort and it shows the person that regardless of their disability you will not underestimate them or make assumptions on their potential. Awareness has nothing to do with it.

Aside  —  Posted: November 18, 2016 in Aspergers


Well, I managed to write something today. Well, a few days ago while I was at work, actually. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this but being near water helps me to think clearly and sometimes, if I’m lucky, pulls something new out of me in terms of writing.

I love winter. I love rain & storms, reminds me of home and my childhood. When it would rain, me, my brother & sisters, instead of watching the world turn cold & grey & wet from inside we would be outside in it. As kids we were very active, always playing, always “getting up to mischief” like most kids, right? And we didn’t like to be stuck inside. It was boring & we would always complain that there was nothing to do so when it would rain, we were outside. Our Mum was fine with it too. She  encouraged us, or she had no problem with us playing in the rain. She was not one of those parents who was quick to get her kids out of the cold, or one of those parents who would say things like “No, you’ll get sick!” when we would ask if we could play outside in the rain, and she never called us inside when she could see that it was going to rain. We used to live in a house with a steep driveway on one of those cul-de-sac streets where the street was wide at the top but then narrow & straight at the bottom. When it rained there were never any cars. We were literally the only people outside on wet days which means we had the entire street to use. Me, my brother & sisters, we would pull the skateboard out of the garage, set it down at the top of our driveway; about 3 of us could squeeze on if we sat with our legs pulled right up to our chests, knobbly knees up to our mouths, whoever was in front ( usually my brother ) would push off from the ground and the next thing I know he’s screaming in front of me, my sister is screaming in my ear behind me, and I’m sandwiched in the middle with my head down watching the chalk designs on our driveway change into black once we got on the road. It was a long way from the top of our driveway to the bottom of the street although it would go by so fast. When we got to the bottom we would all climb off, pick up the skateboard & run back up to the driveway and do it all over again. We liked to do other stuff in the rain too, but that was a favourite. Well, not so much for me. With the skateboard thing I was always, without fail, the one to sit in the middle. My Mum never had to tell my siblings to do it this way, they just knew. They knew that I had to be the one in the middle because to this day I have problems with motor control and coordination, and those parts in the brain that tell one’s body how to walk “properly” and gives one a sense of balance, I never had that growing up. I still don’t which is why I have a habit of walking with my arms out (but I try not to do this in public ).  Now I know it’s all part of a condition I have called “dyspraxia”.  If I sat at the front or the back of the skateboard I fell off.  All the time; even when I would grip the deck so hard that my knuckles turned white. I would still fall off. I bruise easily as well, very easily and very fast. I come up with bruises on parts of my body and I honestly have no idea how they get there.

But that was “my place”. In the middle. My siblings would box me in really tight. My sister would reach over me to put her hands on my brother’s shoulders in front, enclosing me in. My brother would kind of move back to squash me in enough so that I wouldn’t overbalance. I knew they were doing all of this to protect me because when they would ride down without me, they didn’t even hold onto the skateboard. They’d just throw their arms out and scream.

Over the years, as kids and now as adults, they continue to protect me in different ways. And…well, it never bothered me as much when I was a kid. But now it kind of does. I appreciate them and I love them for it, but I’m too old for them to be looking out for me. I know I’m autistic. I know I have horrible anxiety attacks that get so bad I forget to breathe. But…when you’re too old for your younger siblings to be looking out for you or still trying to, it gets embarrassing. It gets intrusive. They have never told me this, but I know they worry about me a lot. Because they’ve told my mum who has told me. They’ve said to her “I really worry about Leesh, Mum. She’s just…she’s not like us. She’s really intelligent but like, booksmart intelligent. Academically intelligent. She’s not street-smart, and she’s not smart when it comes to people. That’s why…I mean, she sees too much good in people even when they have more bad than good”, and my brother says things like “Leesh is…like, different, Mum. That makes me really worried”.  They never told me this. None of it. But I don’t want them to feel that way. They’re young, they’ve got their own lives to enjoy. I don’t want them worrying about me because I’m worried about what that will do to our relationship; I’m worried that eventually they will start to resent me. I’m worried that they will start to see me as more of a burden than a sister. And I’ve seen what that does to people.

Aside  —  Posted: November 13, 2016 in Aspergers


Disclaimer: I’m probably going to lose about half of my friends due to these videos because most of them are religious. So, yeah. Not really looking forward to the possibility of that happening.

Hey, guys! Before taking a break from this space here I forgot to mention that while I won’t be doing much writing until next year ( most likely ) when I have the time I’ll still be making videos about Autism. I probably won’t post them here at the same time that I make them, but you can find them all at my YouTube channel Autistic Hope. I’ll also be posting links to new developments/videos on my Instagram which is private & seriously, don’t feel obligated to follow me. I appreciate what I get already from all of you, but I resent the idea that people would do anything for any reason other than they genuinely want to. Followers & support is important and of course it helps me build an audience, but I prefer an audience who/m are genuinely interested in the content that I create. If you want another way to access all of my…er, stuff, just leave me a comment here or over at my YouTube channel & I’ll send it through to you. I’m currently going through all of my videos & adding subtitles to all the videos that I want to keep which is something that I will include in every video from now on, and I’ll also be deleting some videos.

So to clarify, from now on I won’t be posting as much of my videos here, I want to get back to just writing here. Videos will all be over on my YouTube channel. So here’s the first part of the latest one.

P.S. But if you prefer transcripts over subtitles, I’ll still be writing up transcripts to all of my videos & posting them here. Cheers! :)

Transcript for Part 1:

Hi, guys. Um, so, I just had a few thoughts going around in my head, uh, about something that occurred for me or happened on Friday night. Uh, and yeah I just wanted to kind of rant/talk about it because I’d be interested in actually hearing other thoughts or opinions about this if anyone…yeah, if anyone has thoughts about it. So, basically, um I recently met this, um, this girl, uh, at, uh, uni. At the…uh, at an End of Semester party, and very nice girl. Yeah, really nice girl. Uh, we get along relatively well. Um, so she’s been inviting me out, uh, a few times lately which I don’t mind, kind of. But, basically she is a Christian and she has been inviting me to all these church activities and to her church, and I was actually raised, um, in religion myself. I have a religious background, I’m just not…I’m no longer, uh, religious, or I no longer consider myself, um, as strict in the Faith that I was brought up in. Um, but yeah…so we’ve been getting to know each other and, yeah, she’s…I think last week and this weekend, last weekend and this weekend  she’s just invited me to her church, and I’m going to say, quite frankly, I haven’t-I have not liked the experience of going to this girl’s church, um, and her inviting me out, uh, two weekends in a row now, and I’m going to say it’s got nothing to do with her religion so much as just the fact that, um, I’m not used to people inviting me out anywhere with them and, um, her church is, uh, called-or her faith, I don’t really know if it’s-if it’s her faith so much as just the church but it’s called LifeChurch and it’s very different to, um, what I know. What I’ve known about religion my entire life, um, in her church the set up is completely different. Um, when you go into the actual Hall, uh, where the sermon or the congregation is gathered, um, the lights are like, off, and you just have these strobe lights or flashing lights  kind of like at a concert, kind of like what you would see at a concert so it’s just these flashing, very bright lights that fills, um, the entire space of the room rather than having the…the one-the one main light on if that makes sense. So, um, and than there’s the stage, and they actually have a band, so they have a band, um, they sing all these Gospel songs and…it’s very, ver-the band and the music is very, very loud. Very loud, um, cause they have kind of like the amps set up and the speakers, um, which are at the back and the front of the room, um, and just the whole room is packed with people but while-when the band is performing or when they’re all singing songs, uh, everyone’s standing up and you know, jumping and waving their hands around, and screaming and cheering, and whistling and so it’s very, very different to the Mormon church that I was raised with because, um, the Mormon church is never that upbeat. It’s a very organized, very structured, um, church, you know there’s no band, um, no one’s up on their feet screaming and dancing and whatever else, um, yeah, so, it’s much-and it’s much more quiet. Um, yeah so her church is just completely different. Very, very-uh, very upbeat, ( sorry I used the word “upbeat” too much ) um. And I don’t like it. I didn’t-I didn’t like it, and I don’t like it because, um, I hated being in that room with all those people, and with that band, and with those flashing lights. I couldn’t stand it. It just-it got to me very, very fast, and I started to get really dizzy and very overwhelmed, and I started to feel very shaky, kind of like I couldn’t breathe, and, yeah. Um…and she ne-she never told me that her church was like that. I mean I didn’t ask, but I did kind of, um, ask her what her church is about and other questions. She never really told me that it was set up in such a stimulating way so I was not prepared for what I got when we arrived; and, um, yeah I just…I don’t like it.

Transcript for Part 2:

Um, but anyway that’s not actually-that’s not actually what I wanted to talk about, I mean it-it kind of gives context to what I’m about to talk about now. So, um, anyway she invited me out to this church thing, church event uh, last night or Friday-no, not last night actually cause it’s Sunday now, it’s past midnight. Um, so she invited me to this church event on Friday night and…but she invited me, um, like a week ahead or a few days before the Friday night and…so, on that day that she actually invited me I said “yes”, and then when Friday came around, um…I’m-I’m going to be honest I really didn’t want to go, uh, because the day that I had on the Friday, um, it was very busy and by the end of the day, um, I was just too tired to go out that night. You know like, I’d just-I’d had enough like, I felt like…I had-I had been out the whole day and processed so much information during the day, you know I just felt like I couldn’t go out and take in, uh, anything else because my energy was just completely depleted. Um, so I didn’t want to go out that Friday night but, um, I don’t like-I don’t like cancelling people on the day of whatever we have planned, and um, yeah I just…because I feel pretty horrible when I do that. Um, yeah, and, so I didn’t-I didn’t cancel so I went to this church activity or church event. And, um, it was very stimulating again, um, because it was pretty much the same as the church, um, the first time I went to her church. Um, and I don’t think-I don’t think it-I didn’t think it was possible but it just seemed-the band just seemed even more noisy or loud than the first time, and like, I’ll be honest. I was in a bad mood on Friday. Like I was already just, um, I just wasn’t in the mood to be out but I really didn’t want to cancel on her. You know cause…I’m the kind of person when I’m getting to know someone or even with my friends or my family, well not my family but my-my family are more understanding, but with my friends and people that I’m getting to know I will literally, like, I will do anything with them or, um, I’m kind of guilty of just trying to please them in any way that I can even if it means that I’m going to be-that I’m going-that I’m going to pay for it later. Even if it means that I’m going to be exhausted or I’m going to be miserable, or unhappy or upset I’ll just…I’ll still do things for people or I’ll still try to make them happy, um, because I just don’t want to disappoint them. But then I’ll end up kind of being like really miserable, or just-I’ll just end up being upset but trying to hide it. Um, so, I went to-yeah, I went on Friday night and the whole thing, um, seemed like there was more people that Friday night too and, um, it was just crowded and, um, I didn’t like it. And, um, I got…um, first I started to get really upset and then, um, when everything kind of hit me all at once, like the smells of not only all the people and all the food, well, the food-there wasn’t much food there but just-I could just smell what there was to smell. I could smell what there was to smell and I could hear everything that there was to hear, and it just felt like I was seeing everything, um…um, just amplified. Like the lights were fricking the same as the first time or what I described, and they just seemed to be brighter than the last time, and everything was just happening so fast, and I just, it was very difficult to me-it was difficult for me to process everything and to filter out, uh…it was difficult for me to take in all the information that I needed, and filter out all the information that I didn’t need. And so by the end of the night, um, I was just very, very…I was very on edge, and I was very, um, shaken. I was just…I was just upset and…only this time I couldn’t hide it. And-so when Mikayla came to me at the end of the night I actually had a meltdown, um, like I started crying and just I, um, I was just in the state that I never like people to see me in, and because we are-we’re only still getting to know each other, I think she was…she didn’t really know what to say or what to do. Um, because not many people know me well enough to ever even get to a point with me where they can actually see me go into a meltdown cause they never get to know me that well. Um, so yeah.

Transcript for Part 3

So yeah, um, getting to the point of all this because in fact I have not actually, um…I’m not act-I haven’t-I have not actually talked about what I wanted to talk about from the very start but I’m getting there, I just had to talk about all this other stuff because it kind of explains what I’m about to talk about. ( Just realized I said “about” too many times. Sorry, my head was kind of all over the place here ). Uh, if that makes sense. It probably doesn’t. Anyway, um…so yeah after I got home that night, um, I was fine. I was fine. You know usually when I get home, and I can be by myself and, um, you know I’m-I’m back in my own space I’m fine. Um, so yeah. I got home that night and, um, Mikayla messaged-I shouldn’t-I shouldn’t say her name actually. Um, I mean there are so many girls called “Mikayla” so it’s not like anyone is likely to know who I’m actually talking about but still, I’m-I’m going to…yeah, I’ve already said her name but I’m going to try not to. But anyway, um, when I got home that night this girl message me, um, she asked me if I was alright you know just checking up on me. It’s very-very sweet of her, very nice. Um, and then she asked me if “that usually happens”, that being a meltdown, and she asked me “how do I usually deal with it” and if there was anything that she could have done to help me. Um, and so I explained-I explained to her kind of what causes me to, um, have a meltdown, and what causes me to respond or react, um, in a certain way to, or in certain situations. Um, I-I explained to her-yeah, just explained to her what a meltdown is, how it happens, how I deal with it and what she could have done. Um, and yeah, when I told her about…um,  when I-when I explained to her sensory overload, um, when I explained to her certain aspects of my Autism and Anxiety and why, um, certain-why I just, um…how do I explain it. When I explained to her everything about my autism and anxiety she had a response or she…what she said back to me was something that really annoyed me, actually, um…pissed me off. I just-because her response was so simple and so…just made something, uh, very real and very, um, something that really impacts on my life and makes me the person that I am, um, you know gives me my identity or is my identity. Um, you know she explained or she put something so, um…I don’t know just major or important down-and she just diluted it down to something that really had nothing to do with what I told her, and really doesn’t make a difference. Pretty much what she said is, um, that she will “pray for me” and that she knows, um…that she knows “God will heal me”, and “God will fix-God will fix me” and um, because “God can creates miracles” and that she’s excited for me because she thinks that this “journey” that I’m embarking on with God is going to somehow make me better, or “heal me” as she said. I don’t know why I’m crying. I don’t know why I’m crying, actually. Um…and I read that, I read those words and I was like “What? What are you even talking about”. Like how…how do you take something very personal, something that I’ve actually confided in you about you know, like I open up and I tell you everything that I just told you and then…you have to tell me that you’re going to pray for me, and that you think God will heal me like I even want to be healed in the first place. You know I just…I hate-this is why I kind of hate religion because-I don’t hate religion, I just…I hate the way that it can make people think, I hate the things that it makes people say because that’s actually the most insensitive, um, response that anyone has ever given me after I’ve told me about my anxiety and my autism because she’s basically implying that I should be healed or I should be cured; and you know a cure indicates that something is broken or something is wrong with someone, and you know I don’t like people telling me that I need to be cured or healed. And you know really, if it was even that simple I wouldn’t be autistic in the first place. I just, you know like I don’t want her to pray for me, I don’t need her prayers. I don’t need anyone’s prayers. You know it’s just fricking God, man, it just pisses me, it just pisses me off when people take their Faith and just shove it onto other people like that, or…you know that’s not something that I want to hear. And I don’t hate her for saying that you know I- because despite the fact that it pissed me off, and actually kind of upset me, I know that she didn’t mean it that way and I know that she has good intentions but it doesn’t matter. You know…like she just completely missed the point of everything that I told her, and frankly I don’t want to be a part of her journey. I don’t want to go on a journey with God, you know I’ve been on a journey with God my entire life and I don’t want to do that anymore, so…yeah. When I meet people and I get to a point where I actually trust them enough to tell them about my autism, you know because I don’t really…I don’t know, I just I don’t open up to people much, or often. It’s very rare that I actually kind of get close to someone, or let them get close to me. I don’t really know why but I just, I don’t connect with people and I don’t get close to people, and they never get close to me. You know I’m always…that just-that doesn’t happen for me so when I tell people something about myself, um, the last thing I want to hear in this situation at least is “I’ll pray for you” or “God will heal you”, it’s just-that’s-yeah. Because I guarantee that’s not going to make a difference. Yeah. I don’t really know…it’s not that I don’t want to see her again, it’s just that I don’t really know how I feel about hanging out with her because now every time I’m with her, I’m just going to wonder if she thinks that I should be healed, or I’m just going to wonder if she sees autism as something, um, to be…as something that should-that should be treated or cur-or cured or taken from someone. You know I’m always going to wonder now if she looks at me in a certain way. I don’t know, I just…now I just don’t know if I’m going to be-if I’m going to feel comfortable around her. I don’t really know why, I don’t know why what she said has made me feel different or think differently about her but it has. I don’t know maybe I’m just being too sensitive. I don’t know, I don’t know. But I don’t want to go back to her church. I don’t know-I don’t know if I’m overreacting, I don’t-I don’t know. But yeah. Um, yeah.

 

 

Aside  —  Posted: November 6, 2016 in Aspergers


Hey guys! I finally got around to posting up this second & final part to the video before I’m going to love and leave this blog for a couple months; which I explained in my last written & video blog. Filmed this a while ago, but the topic is still relevant of course since there may still be a long way to go before people realize that “Autistic people lack empathy” is a myth. So, as promised, here’s the rest of what I, um, what I had to say. Again thank you so much for sticking with me through all of my work on here, I’ll be back next year as I’m already picturing in my mind the kind of content that I want to produce & share next year. As they say here in Australia, “cheers!”

Transcript:

Um. Sorry, somebody came by and I didn’t want to be seen, um, “talking to myself”. But as I was saying, um, I’ll just use myself as an example because I actually don’t know many other autistic people in my personal life, unfortunately. So, um, my family, uh, and myself we’re all, we’re Foster Carers so we take foster kids. Um, and I had, um, I had two little foster boys-well, we had two little foster boys placed with us about two years ago, and their names were Sebby and Lawrence, and, um, I came to really, really care about and love these boys…um, like they were my own brothers. But the first night that they were with us, the first night that they slept in our house, that they, um, that they were with us-the first time, yeah, the-the first night, um, they were really upset you know because it’s a new family, it’s a new home and of course I could never-I could never know what that feels like. Um, but we were completely new to them and they were-they-they were just-they were scared you know, they were just two little boys and they were really scared and missing their mum. Um, I remember when we were putting them to bed, um, oh man, they just started crying and this wasn’t like your normal kind of, you know kids crying where you know kids just kind of cry sometimes, um, because they’re sad or upset or, um, angry or frustrated. No, they were…they were really crying because they were-they didn’t know us. We were pretty much strangers to them and so to come into our home and to sleep in our beds, and to…it kind of just made the fact that they were living with-with these people that they didn’t even know-it just made it, um, even more real than what they probably realized, and they just-they just broke down, and they were crying and crying, um, and I was-I was putting them to bed that night and they were just-especially the youngest one, Sebby, his eyes were really big and red and his bottom lip was trembling, and…they were  both just sobbing and it really hit me. Like I just…I felt this, um, this incredible pain and, um-I don’t even know if sympathy is the right word but I really, really felt for them. And, um, but I also felt helpless because I didn’t know what to do or what to say because I could never, I could-I couldn’t understand what they were feeling. I could empathize but I just…I don’t-I just don’t know what that’s like for them. But, um, I-I-I started crying because it real-it just really broke my-it broke my heart to see that, and um, I had to leave for a few minutes because I didn’t want them to see that I was crying and  after I got myself under control, I went back and I sat down outside their door, um, their door was open so that they could see me, um, just to kind of reassure them hopefully, because they were also afraid of the dark, really scared of the dark. And they hated sleeping in separate beds so sometimes we would let them sleep in the same bed together. And, um, so I just sat there until you know they…eventually they stopped crying and they fell asleep. And then-from then on I just, it was just not a-not slow, it was a very fast process, um, in which I really connected with those two boys and I really came to love them. So…

Transcript:

Um, so…had to stop again because that guy just came back up but um, pretty much what I’ll-what I will say, um, just to kind of finish is we-we do not lack empathy and, you know we have feelings and we have…we care about people, and, um, you know we can love and we do love, and we can connect with people and we can bond with people, and I think for anyone to believe, and to say that we can’t do any of those things or we can’t feel any of those things, and to-to say that we don’t have empathy, especially when you’ve never actually met an autistic person but you still believe that we lack empathy I think that’s, um, so dumb, ( well, more ignorant than dumb ) and you’re just…um, well, you’re just doing yourself a disservice really. So, yeah. Okay. Well, that’s all I have to say. Um…bye.

Aside  —  Posted: October 27, 2016 in Aspergers


Hey guys. Basically, this blog is about exactly what the title says. The video might give some context, but I just want to write a bit more about why I’ve decided to take a break from blogging. I can’t really say anything other than the truth so that is what I’m going to do. I’ve regressed in my behaviours. I no longer go out anywhere (and I literally mean nowhere. At all) apart from work & university. Work I don’t have a choice, but even uni I’ve been cutting lectures/tutes, I don’t enjoy completing assessments or studying for exams; if you’re thinking “Um, I don’t think anyone enjoys the study load that comes with uni?” Well, that is true for most students. But not me. I’ve always gained a sense of clarity with uni. The work gives me something to channel my anxiety & nervous energy into, it helps distract me from sinking back into old behaviours that I always hated myself for, and it got me out of an anti-social way of living that I’ve adhered to for years. But things change. Time changes people. Time changes one’s circumstances. I don’t even know why I’m at uni anymore. Or I just…don’t know if it’s the right place for me. I feel like I can’t write anymore. People who know me have always told me “you have a talent for writing” or “you write beautifully” and I appreciate hearing this encouragement because I’ve always believed that if I’m going to write, I should write for other people. I started writing because I wanted to share stories & I wanted to make people think and feel and I wanted to connect with people everywhere. But I’m literally going to bed about 3am or 4am in the morning all the time, basically live on coffee & fucking sandwiches and nothing more every day, and now after losing our kitten I’ve had about 3 meltdowns this week alone. Let me be clear; I’m not saying any of this as in “oh, poor me, boo hoo” or because I want or need sympathy. This post is not about that. In fact sharing my feelings and my thoughts about anything; for the purpose of getting sympathy or because I want people to feel sorry for me is completely useless and pointless ( pretty sure useless and pointless sounds redundant but hell, I don’t know. I’m pretty tired ) Plus, it makes no difference. I’m still going to feel the same way. But I want to be completely transparent. I want to be honest. I’ve had  several meltdowns and panic attacks since I lost our kitten, and I know they are going to continue because that was one of the benefits of having her; she was my comfort. She was my sanctuary. She never made me feel alone or guilty for not being able to “pull myself together” and act like a normal adult. Every day I would come home to her. I would pick her up, I would hug her close, I would bury my face in her fur and play with her little paws, and she would slowly make me feel better. She had the effect of getting my heart to stop beating erratically. She would make my hands stop shaking. I felt completely calm just being near her. After being out all day, wherever it is, my head is in pain. My brain is in pain. From listening to traffic all around me, listening to voices on top of voices on top of voices on top of all other background noise, fluorescent or artificial lights everywhere; so much sensory information in my brain that goes in but never comes out so it just stays in the corners of my brain until I get home away from all of it. Until I get home to my room where I can shut the door, shut the world out. Turn the lights off. Pull the blanket on top of me which creates the illusion of the world vanishing for a couple of hours. And then there’s her. Our family kitten. She could always pull me out of a meltdown. Sometimes if I got to her in time, she could stop me from having a meltdown when I felt myself starting to “lose it”. She was more than a pet. But now I don’t have her. Now I’m more rattled and unfocused and crying more, eating less, obsessing about my weight again, not sleeping; I cannot think straight. That is why I need to take a break. I’m sorry. It won’t be for long. Just until I can get back to the place in my life where I was not having meltdowns and shutting people out or pushing people away, or forgetting what is important to me in this world. I don’t even know if many people read this blog but maybe it doesn’t matter. I just wanted to write some kind of explanation. Thank you all so much for reading whatever you have read of my work so far. If there is anything I’m passionate about, it is writing. Eventually I will be here writing again. Writing better. Writing fearlessly. Writing without worrying so damn much about people judging and criticizing and labelling me as an “attention-seeker” rather than someone who uses writing as an outlet because I’m not one of those people who can actually talk to other people about how I feel.

Before commencing this hiatus from blogging, I will post up the 2nd and final part to Autism: Autistics lack empathy?” first. My sincere apologies for not posting it the Monday just gone like I said I would.

Thanks guys. All the best for the New Year coming (it’s a bit early, but just in case I’m not back on here before next year ).

 

Aside  —  Posted: October 22, 2016 in Aspergers


Well, geez. I finally got something up on my blog. Thanks for your messages & your patience. Anyway, here’s my thoughts on this topic. I’m hoping to have the second part up tomorrow, depending on how I go with studying for exams, otherwise I’ll definitely have it up by Monday. Thanks.

Transcript.

Oh, wow. There’s not much lighting. Oh, well, that’s still not great. Um…hey, guys. So, I am at uni. I’m outside right now because…well, because I can’t-I can’t do this inside because, probably because all the other students will think I’m talking to myself. Clearly I’m not. Well, I could be. But you know, whatever. Anyway…um, um, yeah, I’m at uni, and it’s after 10pm and I know you’re not really going to be able to see this because there’s not much lighting out here, obviously, but you know you don’t necessarily  need to see me you just need to be able to hear my words, so, um…I had a thought just now or just a few minutes ago while I was working on my assignment. Um…I had, yeah, so, this thought was kind of spurred on, um, by a memory that I have from my first year of uni. Uh, I’m in my third year now, so, anyway this particular experience in my first year, basically what happened is, um, I was in my Forensics Psych lecture and I forget how it came up, um, exactly, how it was even relevant to what we were discussing at the time in this lecture, um…but, my lecturer mentioned Autism, something about Autism, and I forget his exact words but he said that…um, some people who commit certain crimes like murder, murder or robbery or rape, and…whatever else, uh, I won’t forget this partic-this remark that he made because it really stuck out to me. He said that sometimes, um, those people can be Autistic, which you know, um, sometimes someone can do something really horrible or really awful and they do happen to be Autistic but, you know, the two things aren’t necessarily related even though you have an Autistic person who has commit this really horrible crime, just because he or she has done that doesn’t mean that…the, um, that the reasons or…it doesn’t mean that they’ve done it purely because they’re autistic, or it doesn’t necessarily have to do-have to have anything to do with their autistic identity or their autistic traits. Um, sometimes you just have someone who does something awful and unlawful and on the other hand they just happen to be Autistic. So, um, but the fact that they’re autistic doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with the crime that they are responsible for…if that makes sense. Does that-does that make sense? I’m so brain dead right now. But anyway, that’s what he said. And I remember another comment that he said, he was talking about the symptoms and the characteristics of autistic people and, um, he said that autistic people lack empathy which is a huge myth surrounding autism and/or autistic people, and let me be the first to tell you ( well, I’m not really the first when you think about it ) it is not true. Like, and this…this, um, saying that autistic people are…um, have no empathy whatsoever, it’s just so incredibly wrong and ignorant and, honestly I think that anyone who says that, um…the very likely probability is that they have never met anyone who is autistic. It’s just most people…most autistic people have, um, a huge, like, an incredibly huge amount of empathy that sometimes it can overwhelm them and they have a hard time expressing it or showing it, or they don’t show it in the same way-the same way that autistic people-that neurotypical people show it. And so those different ways of expressing empathy, um, unfortunately, um…unfortunately it causes people to perceive autistic people as apathetic, which is pretty much the opposite of empathetic ( well, kind of ). You know, because sometimes when you…um, when you have a different way of showing an emotion or a feeling or when you just have a different way of expressing yourself as opposed to the norm, um, some people don’t take to that very well, and…so it causes people to, kind of think that you’re this really, um, cold, detached or unfeeling person when you’re really not. Um, yeah, that’s something that really frustrates me. Um…because we don’t lack empathy, I’m telling you now. Like, um, I’m just using myself for a-for an example right now becau-uh, hang on, I’ll be back.

Aside  —  Posted: October 14, 2016 in Aspergers


 

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Quote reads : “When it comes to parties I have this love-hate thing. Most of the time I feel like it’s a huge effort to go to a party that I’ve been invited to, and I have this kind of sick feeling in the pit of my stomach on all the days leading up to the party and the day of. It’s got nothing to do with people, it’s not a matter of…avoiding people or that I don’t like them. I enjoy people. But not a large amount of them, all at the same time, all in the same place. And I hate crowds, they make me feel claustrophobic. I just…I don’t like it. I get overstimulated very fast, I get overwhelmed very fast, all this information flooding in from all around me but it’s coming too fast to process all of it so that it doesn’t screw with my head. That is why something as seemingly innocent as two people talking to me at the same time sets me off. I start to panic. But most people don’t understand when I say to them “Please, could you stop? One at a time. I don’t like this“, and if they don’t stop I cover my ears & walk away. I’m not thinking about being rude. I’m not thinking about anything at that point. I’m acting on instinct.

I just…I don’t know. I feel like parties are a breeding ground for meltdowns and burnout. Why would I do that to myself? And if someone is a good friend, why would they want me to? They wouldn’t turn it into a personal insult against them. Because it’s not like that. It’s never like that”.

This is from last year. I know I seem excited or happy here, but I was anxious. Nervous. I was projecting this kind of giddiness that I didn’t really feel. Trying to fool myself. After I went into my room, buried myself under blankets and practiced deep breathing for 2o minutes, telling myself “You’re okay. You’re going to this party and you’re going to have a good time”, I said this like a mantra, over and over again until my heart stopped racing and my fingers stopped shaking. Then I left my house. I went to the party. Even now I still can’t believe it but I enjoyed the experience. I would even say I had fun. I met new people. I held my own in conversation. But what I won’t forget is meeting a girl who made me feel so comfortable. I don’t know why, but at one point I was sitting by myself, fingers clenching a glass of coke and vodka, and suddenly she sits down beside me and says to me words that I have heard before ( along the same lines ) but always hated because the people who said it never had good intentions. But she did. She said to me “You’re a bit strange, aren’t you? It’s a good thing though. Keep it”. I did not know what to say. I mean…what do you say to that? But we hit it off. She looped her arm through mine, introduced me to her boyfriend, pulled me around the party chatting away while I listened, nodded, answered questions that she bombarded me with, said “yes” when she asked to add me on Facebook, the whole time I’m thinking “what…what…what.is.going.on.” She was lovely but so bubbly and energetic and everything I’m not. I remember looking at her and thinking “wow you’re full on. I still like you, but I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. But you’re really nice and I don’t want to screw this up so I won’t say anything”.  Then before I knew it we’re sitting down sharing a cheesecake between the two of us. Like, we ate the whole thing even though I’m not a particular fan of cheesecake, I was such a nervous mess that I didn’t fess up to that. I had too much to drink. I felt sick after drinking and eating too much. I remember the firepit outside, watching the smoke drift up into the sky. I remember staring into the flames so hard until I felt like my eyes would burn from the intensity of the heat. I remember looking at everyone and not seeing each individual person but more like…seeing everyone as a whole. It was like watching their bodies merge together until they became one big blur. Thinking to myself “What am I even doing here? I don’t belong here. Everyone is so nice, and I was enjoying myself but now I’ve had enough. I feel nauseous. This music is so loud and it hurts my brain. I feel like all the food I ate is about to come up any minute. I want to go home. NOW.  I didn’t want to say goodbye to anyone either, I just wanted to slip out quietly in the hope that no one would notice. I felt horrible for that. Here was this girl from uni who had invited me to her party, into her home, and I didn’t even have the courtesy to thank her and say goodbye. I don’t know what stopped me. All I remember is leaving out the back door while everyone gathered for a group photo, thinking “there’s no way I’m getting in on that. I don’t even know half these people so why take a photo with all of them? Dammit. Does that make me a horrible person? I don’t know. God, I don’t know…I just want to get out of here”.

I remember stumbling outside into the street, sitting on the pavement waiting for a lift after I drunkenly called my mother, listening to her yell furiously about how I “should not have drank myself to a point where I could not get home safely like I said I would”. But that’s the thing about alcohol. I don’t drink, or very rarely. But when I do, it’s either to forget or to infuse myself with courage that I don’t usually have. I remember staring at the ground, a glass of coke & vodka still cradled between my fingers, and thinking “But I’m not the same person anymore. There was a time when I would’ve never come to something like this, never even considered it.  Now I’m here. I liked it…I mean, at the start. But too much and I’ll burn myself out”.

 

 

 

Aside  —  Posted: September 18, 2016 in Aspergers


Still working on my latest written blog, but in the meantime here’s a video I made, I was supposed to put this up for Autism Awareness Month in April this year. Transcript included. Thanks!

Hi, so, uh, it’s me again, um if you don’t already know-actually I don’t think I introduced myself on my first video which is pretty slack of me so I apologize for that. Um…yeah, so my name is Elisha, uh, I don’t think you need to know-I don’t think you need to know my last name cause you know not really important so yeah, my name is Elisha, and um I just finished making the very first video, um, that I have made, um, about Autism or Asperger’s and, um, relating it back to my experiences with that…well, yeah, just pulling from my own experience as a person on the spectrum, and it was generally just about communication and how a person…well, actually I’m just, well obviously I’m a female and I can’t really-I can’t really talk for males with an Autism Spectrum Disorder-with a-with an Autism Disorder because um, even though they kind of have similarities with females  with an Autism Disorder, um, they’re both very, very different and…so I can’t really talk for the males so this is going to be gender-specific in me kind of shedding light about, um, from the female side of it. So yeah the first one was pretty much about communication ( yay! ) and, um, interaction with people in particular neurotypicals which is, um, well people who aren’t autistic. But they are no less than us, and no better than us they’re just…different. You know like we’re different to them they’re different to us, but yeah we’re all the same so it’s all good it’s all good. Um so that-that first one was about yeah, yeah, well I’m pretty much just repeating myself. Um, so the second one, um…we will be addressing this myth, um…no, no actually, you know when-the first-in the first video I pretty much kind of only spoke about myself and how I communicate with people, I didn’t really talk about how other females on the spectrum would communicate with other people and you know that’s kind of because I don’t really know cause, you know we’re all different-like all the females on the spectrum, they’re all different but we all have similarities so maybe I could give you a few tips. Okay, first, whether it is a female or a male, one of the most prominent signs or traits of a person, uh, with an Autism Disorder is that they have very, very poor eye contact or they lack the ability, well not necessarily the ability, they just…they lack the desire to initiate and maintain eye contact with the person or with persons that they may be talking to or interacting with or whatever. So, yeah, they’re not going to have really great-they’re not going to just have that eye contact that you need to have in a social situation and, so, yeah…when you’re talking to someone because you know it’s…um, kind of a social rule that you know you need to look at them, you need to look them in the eye, like not like a creep obviously, like don’t go like, don’t stare at them but you just need to have that consistent but not over the top eye contact when you are talking to someone, and generally everyone knows that, like it’s-no one ever talks about it you just do it. But um, with a person-with an autistic person, they’re not really going to give you a lot of eye contact in fact it’s going to make them very uncomfortable and some have even described, um, looking a person in the eye as quite painful. And for me that’s true, uh, but most people that I interact with wouldn’t know that because I spent quite a long time learning how to look people in the eye, or learning how to look at them and make it look like-and make it appear that I was you know giving them eye contact when really I’m just looking-I’m like kind of looking somewhere near their eyes so maybe I would just be looking like at their forehead or…you know just generally somewhere very close to the eyes, but um…so yeah, um…so I’m pretty good at either actually giving a person eye contact ( I’m really not, actually ) or making it look like I am. Um, like my eye contact is still very inconsistent, like I’ll still kind of look away, look back at them and then look away really fast, sometimes I’ll just give them like really, like darting eye contact. Like, like, I’ll be like…you know like kind of just looking away in really fast increments-I’m not even sure if that’s the right word. But that’s what I tend to do when I talk to people, but I’m pretty-I’m positive that none of them have picked up on it so all good. So yeah that’s one thing, so poor eye contact. Um, what’s another one…I actually-I know so much about Autism, it’s-it’s ridiculous that I know like so much that I can’t really talk about because it’s all just kind of in my brain and it’s all scrambled and not very organized and I can’t pull it out, um, in an organized fashion. And this is-I’m doing this on a whim as well, didn’t really think about it so apologies for that. Um…also, people with a Autism Disorder are often perceived as lacking empathy, very cold, aloof, um…just so many things, like good and bad things about them. But cold, have no empathy, aloof, rude, that’s-that’s something that quite a lot of people um, with an Autism Disorder, um, that’s what they get a lot is people who judge them to be all of these things and I’m going to say now that is not true, and if you…if you build up, if you build up all these things in your mind of someone before you even get to know them than really that’s…that’s kind of on you, you know it’s just not a great thing to do that because you could be missing out on getting to know someone who’s very, very intelligent, very compassionate, very kind, really funny…you know just an all around really great person but you would never know that if you write them off as someone who’s just not of interest to you at all ( not that people don’t have the right to not be interested in other people, I don’t think that came out how it sounded in my head ) or someone’s who’s just all these bad things that they’re really not. So don’t…don’t ever…uh, how do-how do I say this, I’m trying to say it in like a kind of nice way. Just don’t judge people too fast because it may be a pretty big mistake. Um…people with an Autism Disorder, they are often very loyal, very honest to the point where it’s actually described as brutal honesty, also they can be a bit tactless sometimes but that’s not because they want to hurt your feelings, that’s not their intention and they never set out to hurt people it’s just sometimes that happens. You know I’ve done that so many times, I’ve said things that when I think about it now have been very offensive, not necessarily, uh, the nicest thing to say, maybe it was true, maybe it wasn’t but the way that I said it was not appropriate and I realize that now and I don’t do that anymore, or at least I try not to. I try to monitor myself in that area. Um…but yeah, they’re pretty much really, really honest and very loyal and they have no time for-for people who are fake and dishonest and insincere, people who act one way to their face and then change behind their back. People who…who don’t treat others well, and they just…you know they act…they act like a friend to a particular person but they don’t really like that person and for me personally I kind of think “Well why would-why would you even do that? Wouldn’t it be a waste of time and a waste of effort?” Like…yeah, it makes no sense to me but you know that’s the way a lot-well, some people operate, and frankly I just try to stay away from those kind of peop-from those types of…from those…what is wrong with me tonight? Usually I’m pretty good with the way I speak, with my English and all that but not tonight although I have been up since about 5 this morning ( ha 5am is not even that early ) and it’s around 9:30 now and I’m pretty tired but, um…yeah I just don’t like people like that. Even though I-I already feel confused all the time with other human beings, with the way that people…with the way that people talk and their actions, and the way that they socialize and interact and communicate, I find all of that really confusing so why would I want someone who essentially kind of lies to me in the fact that they befriend me and pretend to care about me or be interested in the same things that I’m interested in, or just do all these dishonest things to-to get something out-from me because why else would you be fake with someone if you didn’t-like, if you didn’t want something from them. That’s the only reason I can think of as to why people act like your friend when they really don’t like you, it’s because they want something and they will carry on this charade of being your friend until they get whatever it is that they want from you and then they’ll just dump you like, pretty much-like straight away. Yeah, and I freaking hate those kind of-those, those people. I just…it’s just confusing! Why, why? It’s confusing. Um, I’m just going to stop that now-I’m going to stop that here cause I don’t really-I don’t really know what else to say, I’m pretty-my brain is pretty scrambled. But yeah…bye!

Aside  —  Posted: August 16, 2016 in Aspergers


Hey lovely people,

So in my last blog I said I would have more of my writing published yesterday. As it turns out that is proving to be a more difficult task than I expected. But I am not having trouble writing it, in fact yesterday and today has been the first time in too long that I’ve been able to transfer the words that I have in my head onto paper so effortlessly. But I’m feeling very nervous and if I’m honest, scared to share this one coming up. I can tell you that it is going to be a very hard-hitting, very frank piece about self-harm ( skin-picking ) from my own personal experience. It may be a sensitive read for some or even something that you may not have experienced yourself; ( in any way, whether it be yourself or someone you care about ) either way I only ask that once I’ve published this particular blog, if you decide to read please do so with an open mind. It is not easy for me to write about self-harm but my blog is a place where I feel comfortable and safe to share almost anything, and I also wanted to share this to hopefully play some part in creating awareness about self-harm, to reinforce to others who are going through or have been through the cycle of harming themselves that no matter how alone you feel, you’re not. There are people who will shun you, people who condemn you for what you’re doing to yourself, people who will show you why you were right to think “even if I do try to seek help no one will believe me”, the people who are closest to you won’t even notice the subtle but gradual changes in your behavior and what’s frustrating about that is you have those moments when you want someone, anyone to notice but at the same time you’re terrified of what people will do or say if they were to discover that you mutilate your own body. Well, please believe me when I say that I am not here to do any of that. The blog that I will be publishing very soon is not about passing judgement.

P.S. As well as here on WordPress I’m also going to start posting little bits of my ( writing ) work on Instagram, stuff that probably won’t be published here. Feel free to check it out if you want ( or not ). https://www.instagram.com/autistxwriter8008/

Aside  —  Posted: August 13, 2016 in Aspergers


This month I’ve been reading the book shown in the picture, titled Women’s Stuff. So far I have found it to be a very educational & inspiring book, and already some of the chapters in this book have given me ideas to start writing again. If I’m honest I have been struggling to write since the start of this year. When I try I feel unfocused, uncreative, I feel like everything I write is garbage and I cannot possibly publish it on this blog. But everyday that I don’t write, it’s like…it feels like a worthless day, a waste. A failure. I hate not writing. So, today I tried. Now I have something of substance written in my journal, but it’s not finished yet. I want to have it finished by tomorrow to publish here. In the meantime, I’ve included in the picture one of the quotes I wrote for Autism Awareness Month earlier this year.

IMG_20160809_011223

Aside  —  Posted: August 11, 2016 in Aspergers


Hi, guys, this is just a quick update from my last blog post, I know that was over a month ago, I’m really sorry. I actually tried posting a bunch of new writing & a couple videos from about a week *after* that last blog I posted, ( before this one ) but I noticed that some of my content has been getting deleted after I’ve posted it. I have no idea why, I’m certain that nothing I write is inappropriate or breaches policies/rules on WordPress. I mean, I don’t think so anyway. Has this ever happened to any of you? Maybe it’s me…I don’t know, but along with the work I was going to post last month & new stuff that I’ve been working on, I’m aiming to get all of that up by the start of next week, and hopefully none of it will get deleted because I swear to God if that happens I’ll lose my mind, possibly even cry.

 

Aside  —  Posted: June 19, 2016 in Aspergers


Hey, guys!

Wow, it has really been too…long…since…I was here. On this blog. My blog. Seriously, is it me or has WordPress changed since I was last here in this space? Everything looks different. But anyway! Back to the matter at hand. I’ve been reading everyone’s blogs ( hahaa bet you didn’t know that ) and I just want to say right now, I am loving all of them! Really, you all write about such interesting and diverse topics, it’s amazing and I hope none of you ever become as slack as me ( er, unless you want to ).

I am shocking with this blog I know. I really wanted to write something related to autism for Autism Acceptance Month but, well…I didn’t. I’m disappointed about that. All of my time is literally taken up by uni and work, assignments, work…that’s really my life right now. I hate it. I hate not writing. Just when I’ve finished one assignment I get excited because I think “finally, I can do some writing now” but then I remember that I have yet another assignment to start. I’m studying Bachelor of Arts majoring in Creative Writing so one would think I’d have ample opportunity to write to my hearts content in that study area, but unfortunately this is not the case. However! Anzac day is coming up, I have two assignments due on Friday both of which I have only just finished, ( thank God ) so I have the weekend and Monday completely free to sit at home, eat a ton of bad food, consume copious amounts of coffee and just write Goddamit. I’ll be publishing a lot my work that I actually wrote last month, writing new stuff, sharing original quotes ( my own ) about autism. I cannot freaking wait. I’m going to fill this blog with actual, real content for once instead of letting it sit idle looking all empty and useless. Anyway, thanks for sticking around with me.

Aside  —  Posted: April 20, 2016 in Aspergers


 

Where I tell you something about me, and hopefully you will tell me something about you in return? Please feel safe to do so. I want to get to know, as much as possible, all of you who read my work. Thanks.

If I have uncertainties or I don’t know if I am going to buy something than I won’t step in to a restaurant, convenience, department, or retail store, supermarket etc. I won’t even consider going in. And I know that is not logical or even reasonable. Often I need to enter the place, ( be it a restaurant, supermarket, whatever ) go through everything; books, clothes, the food, stationary, the menu, whatever I’m after, I need to evaluate my options before I decide to buy something – and it makes sense that going inside and actually seeing all my options, picking up several items as I assess the pro’s vs cons of buying said item; of course that helps in the process of making the final decision as to whether or not I’m going to purchase. So, no, I’m not completely dense. I understand why some people just…shop without pre-thinking everything so much.
But I’m not like that. I won’t shop like that. I can’t shop like that. When I go out shopping it’s always with a plan in mind. I’ve thought about what I want, where to go to get it, even how much it is likely to cost. When I get there I go in, find what I’m after, pay for it, get the hell out. Unless it is a place I have slowly become used to over time, I won’t stick around. I won’t “dawdle”. Most of the time I feel extremely anxious being outside of my house, when I’m out I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about my room.
So many people walk around aimlessly or browse when they’re shopping then end up leaving having bought nothing. To them it’s probably not a big deal, but to me it’s something that I envy. Because when I go in to a store, “look around” then leave I may as well have laughed in the salesperson’s face. I know it’s not like that. I know that. But it doesn’t change the fact that if I leave without buying anything I feel like I’ve done wrong by the workers; I feel really bad, I just…get this overwhelming feeling of guilt. That, among so many other reasons, is why I don’t like shopping.

Aside  —  Posted: February 12, 2016 in Aspergers


Hey, readers!

Wow. I’m really sorry. For a while I could not get in to my WordPress for some reason so I’ve been putting my writings on Facebook which is useless to all of you because we are not connected via that particular social network. But now that I’m back on here I can get started writing more often. I want to thank you for your continued following and support, I cannot express how appreciative I am and how much it means to me.

Anyway, over this last month I’ve been going through all my written work; all my journals, poems, short stories, all of it. I’ve received a few messages ( which was surprising to me, and also very humbling. Thank you so much ) from people asking me what has happened with my writing, if I’m still writing, if I even still enjoy writing since I’ve been completely inactive on this blog for some time. I am going to clear a few things up now : yes I still love writing and yes I still enjoy writing. I love writing, always have. As for the first question, well, I thought that maybe I can’t write an answer so much as show you exactly what’s been going on. So…here goes nothing.

Transcript : 

Alright, so…here is, um, here’s all of it. This is all of my writing, this is all my writing, this is everything…well, everything over there, over there, that way, um, those are my books ( some of them ). But, um, this is…this is why I haven’t posted anything on my WordPress for a long time. Alright so let’s go through the first box. Okay so this first box is filled with all the writings, everything that I wrote from…actually no, this isn’t my writing but the rest is. So this is all my work from about when I was in year 8. So year 8 to year 12, this is all my writing work. Now, this is an exercise book – well, it’s not actually an exercise book, this was actually meant to be for writing notes, um, class notes for math and stuff like that but I always hated math so I would always, um, just end up writing during math class. And actually this isn’t really full…this isn’t too full of all my…of any work that I’ve done so, yeah. But everything else, look at all that…far out. Everything else is all…actually, no, that’s not full either. That’s good because that means I’ve got a lot of spare paper to do some writing so I’ll take those out. Um…actually that’s stuff from Mater, I don’t even know why I still have that. Ok, everything else is still my writing. This blimin’…whoa, I actually did some drawings in there too. I’m not really a great drawer though. Um, yeah, and this is why it’s taking me ages to submit any new stuff on to my WordPress is because I’m working through all my writings here, um, it’s just taking a long time because I literally have to start right from the top and, um, just type all of it up on my Laptop, and it’s a lot of editing as well. Um, and sometimes I don’t actually do it every day…because, like for example I’ve just come back from work and I’m kind of tired and I can’t be bothered which is a useless excuse probably, um, not a very good excuse for an aspiring writer but there you go. Um…that’s why sometimes I don’t work on any of it, but most days if I’m not working I will dedicate about an hour to getting all this out, working through it, typing it up on my laptop and then, um, you know other days I’ll try and do an hour or two hours either before or after work. So that’s the first box of my writing.
This is the second box. This…this freaking bag is the damn bane of my existence, I hate this bag so much just because it’s full of all the stuff that I’ve written since I was about eleven so this is all my writing from my very, very young years. Look at all of that…it’s ridiculous. I can’t believe… I haven’t even started on this because I’m cringing at the thought of, um, reading the stuff that I wrote when I was a very young child, so a bit of procrastination there. Um…that’s, that’s not part of my writing, these are…that’s not my writing. This is, this is my writing that I typed up and then printed out. So here’s more stuff that I’ve written over the years…actually, no, that’s not my writing…bank notes…bank shit. The rest is my writings. And that…that’s just, like, that’s just out of the box. Look at all the crap that’s inside this second box. Full of even more stuff that I’ve written over the years and some other things too. Like, these are…those over there are just birthday cards that I’ve received over the years…these are like magazine cutouts that I’ve kept over the years. But then the rest all underneath it in the folders…all these papers, that’s all my writing. That’s not even going right down to the bottom…like, right down to the bottom. In all these folders, even more of my shit. You can’t really see it then, actually, no, actually, these are just books but underneath it is more of my work. And then the last of my work is my journals. Um…and by that I mean the first, from the first journal that I had when I was twelve to my current journal this year which is…this one, so this is my current journal and the rest are all the journals that I’ve owned before then; all full of you know, just stuff that I think about every day just like anyone else who keeps a journal. Even more of my rantings and other…other stuff that I’ve written all in those journals. So…as you can see, that is why it is taking me so long to post more written work, is because I’m working through it. And it’s going to take me so long…I’m getting overwhelmed just looking at all of it, yeah, I’m going to stop now because I’m starting to get depressed just looking at it. No, I’m joking. I love being a writer but I don’t understand why I didn’t start on all of this, as in start typing it all up sooner. Could’ve saved myself a lot of time, and a lot of stress. Anyway, you will start to see all of this up on my WordPress, um, as soon as possible. Thanks.

Aside  —  Posted: January 31, 2016 in Aspergers


 

I wrote this one on New Years Eve, but didn’t want to publish it then.

New Years are great. Amazing, in fact. I understand the feeling of a new start. A clean start. Second chances, although it is probably another chance in a dozen. New opportunities. Maybe a New Year comes with the sense of being able to make things right, being able to leave certain mistakes or failures in the past because how can you move on otherwise? I don’t know. Maybe some people feel this way, others don’t. I don’t. To me a new year is just another 365 days. I take memories with me in to the future. I take learning experiences with me in to the future and they are always born of my own failures in life. And perhaps it is not wise to hold on to the past. But what is so wrong with holding on to experiences if at the same time you are able to ensure that none of them will hold you back? Today I am the same person that I was yesterday. That is why I never set NY resolutions. I think of anything that I want to achieve in the New Year as something that is going to be different. Because I know that I am never going to change, at least not on an instinctive level. Not on a personal level. I can change my body, my hair, the way I dress. But I cannot change the fact that, although I care immensely for my friends, I can go several days without talking to them, without even seeing them and it won’t bother me. This is not because I can’t stand them or they annoy me, it comes down to the fact that I developed all my close friendships after high school which were the years that I learned to be on my own. The years when I was more private and reserved and incredibly possessive of my space. Then I had to learn to let go of all of that when I started to meet people after high school, when people would come up to me out of no where, start talking to me, befriend me. Friendship was foreign and new and confusing to me and most of the time I didn’t know what I was doing. With my friends now, I still have moments when I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t think that feeling will change or disappear. But if it does it won’t be due to any good fortune that may befall me in this new year. It will happen because it was going to happen anyway.
I can’t change the fact that I am awkward and quiet and shy but so many people have commented on how I’m such a “bubbly, vivacious” girl because I’ve learned how to appear as such. Of course I am to blame for putting on a false presentation of myself. I am only surprised by how well I pull it off.
So many people in this world are awkward and quiet and shy and most of the time I think “Well, what’s wrong that? We can’t all be the *opposite* of awkward and quiet and shy because than we would all be the same…wouldn’t we? And wouldn’t that be boring?”
I can’t change anything about myself that really matters and I don’t want to. A New Year is only ànother 365 days to make differences in my life but to stay the same person that I am right now. So, I wish all of you only the best and brightest of differences starting this year.

 

Aside  —  Posted: January 11, 2016 in Aspergers


There is a website for writers that I visit frequently and on this website there are what’s called prompts, for writers. Prompts are as follows :

Writers write.

or another image but with a different prompt ( they change every day of course ) such as “write a Christmas story in two sentences” or “define courage in no more than twelve words”.  On Christmas Eve I wrote…um, it was kind of a poem. I started out meaning for it to be a story but somehow it changed in to something that can be likened more to a poem. It was based on the prompt for that day which was “Write something sad. Something dark. Write something that makes you uncomfortable as you write it”.

This was an intriguing prompt for me. A bit morbid as well, especially on Christmas Eve. But I love going to this website for the writing prompts. It helps me build creativity, experiment with different writing styles, challenges me. With these prompts I have written stories that I did not know I was even capable of.  With these prompts I have written stories that frustrate me so much, stories I’ve been so disappointed with that I end up ripping the page/s out of my notebook and throwing it in the trash. With these prompts I’ve written stuff that I read and think “God, where does this come from?” No, I’ll keep this one to myself. I don’t feel comfortable about publishing this one on my blog”,  other times I’ll write something, read it and think “Well, I’m pretty happy with this.  I think it’s good enough. I mean…I don’t mind the idea of putting this one up.  I’ll show it to Mum first, but I’ve got a good feeling. I’ll go show it to her now, actually, where is she…”

Anyway, this is the piece that I wrote on Christmas Eve inspired by the prompt for that day. Thanks.

People have much to say about love

How great the pain of loving someone is

But they also say the pain is worth it because at least you have loved

And been loved in return

I don’t believe that

You can love someone as much as you are capable of loving them

You can love someone so much

It means nothing

If they don’t love you

It destroys you from inside

The lesson you will learn when you realize

You can’t make someone love you back

Let me tell you a secret

What really hurts is

you will only come to this realization after,

always after,

it kills you.

It is so common, and such a tired expression to hear the words

“I am scared you’re going to break my heart”

I want to hear all the details of how I will do that

Do you think it is possible for my hands to wrap around your heart 

Still beating

Still perfect

Squeeze so tight, so tight

Until my knuckles turn white 

Until you feel it

Until that part of you that was once beautiful

Once untouched, explodes

And there’s nothing left

You cannot feel anything anymore

Did your heart shatter down the middle

You doubt that you could ever love again

Did it shatter from the left side first

And if you love me, I will do that to you

Or the right

When you’re kissing her, I’ll be that small voice in your head

If you love me I will damage you,

I will keep you on edge, always wondering,

always in the back of your mind

I can give you everything

And I can take it away so fast

So fast you won’t see it coming

You will only ask yourself what you did wrong

If you love me, soon enough you will learn to hate me

I will teach you all the ugly things, 

I will teach you to never trust anyone,

I will teach you to be cold, 

and to be cruel,

to see everything that is broken in this world

If you love me I will consume you

Every last part of you,

right down to your bones

The light in your eyes

Your smile

That thing that you do

How you bounce on your feet when you’re excited

I’ll crush that right out of you

I will teach you to hate yourself 

You will be so eager, 

so obliging,

so desperate to please me,

to make me love you

that before long you will forget to love yourself

If that is not the ultimate way to break someone,

I don’t know what is. 

Aside  —  Posted: January 10, 2016 in Aspergers


1st screenshot ( pretty sure you can also click to enlarge ).

Trick : Hey pretty how are you doing long time.  ( 12.21am ).

–  Uh, hello. What do you mean long time? I don’t think I know anyone called Trick. 12/1 ( 11.34am ).

Trick : Riley i things i know you sorry for that . But I’ll try if well can make plan to meet up meb please if you want . You are lookin so nice. 12/1 ( 11.53am ).

Trick : Hello how are you doing darling. 12/12 ( 6.38am ).

Screenshot 2 :

Trick : Hi What are you doing now ( 12.11pm ).

Trick : Hello Elisha ( 12.19pm )

-Working. Why? ( 12.21pm ).

Trick : Wow that is good u no what I like only photos you look so nice . Darling ( 12.23pm ).

Trick : You no what is good to ask me like that . So we’re a but you . Am Sorry if a seeing bed. ( 12.30pm ).

Screenshot 3 :

–   I don’t understand half of what you’re saying ( or trying to say ). Could you just…stop. You’re making me uncomfortable. ( 12.43pm ).

Trick : Okey let me tell you something i wanted to ask you if you really like me too meeting you up . I what to date you please I like so much please I really like you ( 12.45pm ).

Trick : U know what let me tell you something I love you please a what to be can like to be more friends please contact to this number 0470208465 if you like I like you so much your so much ur so beautiful i just wanted you if what call me. (1.01pm ).

Trick :

Trick : Let call you at skp please ( 1.16pm ).

This is what I do not understand about people, male or female. I know that I am naive. Or I can be naive. Especially with guys, and a large part of that comes down to my inexperience with them. I am not embarrassed or hesitant to be forward about my lack of experience in relationships with guys. Why should I be? I think in society, the way it is now, almost everyone is getting in to relationships, “hooking up” with any attractive face they see, everyone’s just…moving so fast. I think there is this overwhelming pressure for both men and women to be with someone. To find someone just to avoid being alone. But…until you are actually ready to commit to someone, until you really get to know someone, until you know that you really care about and love someone, what’s the rush?
And please, don’t mistake what I am trying to say here. This is not to condemn people for the choices they make with regard to their personal intimate and/or romantic relationships, whether they make use of online dating sites, whether they start dating young or marry young, anything like that. I am not saying any of that is necessarily a bad thing. I am not saying it is wrong either. People go in to a relationship for all the right reasons just as they can go in to it for all the wrong reasons.

But now I want to be completely honest :
I never once dated in all my years in high school. I never wanted to. I wanted to focus on me. I was selfish with my time. I wanted to spend all the time in the world with only myself and my family. I didn’t…I didn’t want to share my time, or myself with any guy. Often I felt bad for feeling that way but no amount of guilt ever removed the fact that when I would observe all my peers ( almost all of them in relationships ) I could not help but think “Seriously?…We are all so young. We’re in school. We have assignments and homework and all this other shit to do…and on top of that, some of us have jobs. We’re still kids for God’s sake. And why is it normal and “cool” to have a boyfriend but it’s not cool or normal for me to actually *want* to invest effort and time in to my studies. Why am I labelled “weird” and a “nerd” for finding enjoyment in reading a dictionary or spending every lunch hour in the library but then it’s not weird to find all these students making out left, right, and centre in almost every building in the damn school?

It has been six years since I finished high school. Nothing has changed. I still have not dated. In fact over the years I have become increasingly used to being alone. I don’t associate being alone with being lonely. I am used to solitude as well. I am somewhat…possessive of my time. I have been described as “guarded” and “cautious” by those who/m know me well but I don’t agree. It is more simple than that. I think when you’re on your own for so long it starts to feel like a routine. You look after yourself. You make plans for yourself. You make decisions for yourself. I am not saying that I would not like to change all of this. I think I would. But I know that I find it difficult to connect with people now. I know that I often miss the “signals” or any hint at all of interest from a person of the opposite sex. When I feel attracted to someone, that confuses me. It trips me up. I get flustered and nervous and I try to hide it, mainly because the experience of being attracted to someone always feels new and foreign and strange to me. I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know if what I am feeling is even real and I am ( although I can present as the complete opposite ) so extremely shy that I never try to get to know the guy in a context outside of where I first met him to figure it out.

I am used to not being noticed as well. I am used to being in the background all the time. In fact, I am comfortable living my life this way. I can talk to people now, in a way that appears “socially correct” and coherent, perhaps even eloquent. In fact now I think I can hold a conversation pretty well. But I was not always like that. I used to stutter and stammer and trip over my words. I used to talk so fast. So fast. It was like I was afraid of not getting all the words out before my throat would close up and I would swallow the words instead. But I am not that person anymore and I am proud of that.

So, yes, now I’m pretty good with people. But I still want to keep my place in the background. I still want to go out and…not be seen. I still want to sit down in a public place and watch the world and all these people move right in front of my eyes. Unobersved. I have heard the notion that to not be noticed is something sad. Something that makes one feel unimportant. I don’t believe that, personally. I think to be anywhere, to be around people and be able to sit back and read or whatever else, for people to walk straight past and see me but not actually see me, is something that in itself is incredibly safe and secure. It’s like nothing can happen to me that way. Nothing bad. Nothing horrible. Nothing to hurt me. Maybe. On the other hand, nothing good can happen that way either. But…still. I don’t know. I just…I like what I’m used to. That’s all.

In saying all of this, I’m not stupid. I’m not a complete idiot. Unless it is sincere, he really means it and there is no ulterior motive, I hate when guys call me “pretty” or “beautiful”. I resent when I talk to people, and when we get on to the topic of guys and relationships, they ask me if I have a boyfriend and when I say “no”, almost every single time they say something like “Pretty girl like you should have a boyfriend” or “Well, you’re young and pretty, I’m sure you will find someone soon” like I have nothing to offer but my face…and my body…and my hair…and whatever the f–k else makes up this whole “pretty” thing. I know some guys who read this may sit there thinking “Oh, here we go, another girl complaining about being pretty and how guys objectify her for that or whatever”. But it’s not about that. That is not even the point. I want to be more than beautiful. I want to be more than pretty. If I was with a guy I want him to read my writings and tell me that it’s great if it is, or that it’s a pile of shit, or that it makes no sense to him or anything that shows he cares. Because that is what I would want to do for him, show him that I care about what he cares about. That I encourage him. I support him. I’m not in this for what is on the surface. For all the shallow things. I just…in a world that is constantly changing and developing and evolving I am beginning to see that there is either no deep and enduring value in “beautiful”, “gorgeous”, “pretty”, “handsome”, hot” or it is overrated. Or both.

What I would say to this guy, if I wanted to communicate with him further, is this : You don’t even know me. You don’t know the first thing about me. You don’t love me.  That is not even possible. How can you just come across a random girl on Facebook, tell her that you love her, tell her that she is beautiful and pretty and whatever the fck else and than expect her to actually believe you? And, no, I won’t meet up with you because I know *exactly* what that means. I know exactly what you’re thinking. I know exactly what you want and you’re not getting it from me you Goddamn creep. How dumb do you think I am, mate. Yes, I can be naive. I can be oblivious. I can be downright stupid sometimes. But I know what is right and I know what is wrong. I know what makes me feel really fkn disgusting and horrible. And right now that is you, mate. The fact that you continued to message me even after I asked you to stop. The fact that you attempted to call me twice was so disturbing I actually forgot that I have the option to Block you. But no, I am not scared of you. Just angry. Kind of shaky but I’m a shaky and nervous person in general so that is normal. So, although I feel a modicum of guilt and reluctance to post this, ( but I think the whole thing is justified ) I’m going to do it anyway. Because I believe it is important. I am not sure how yet but I know it is in some way. And because I can. Kind of like how you decided to be an asshole just because you can.

 

Aside  —  Posted: December 7, 2015 in Aspergers